I have the addiction of testing humanity

Or testing how far I can break boundaries without being held accountable.

Just got reminded of this after reading a Reddit post about a woman’s husband becoming obsessed with Napoleon all of a sudden. She couldn’t stand it and asked redditors if she should divorce him.

That sounds perfectly like my own experience 7 years ago: I suddenly became obsessed with Michael Jackson. The catalyst was the 10th anniversary of his death and the Leaving Neverland scandal. I started listening to his songs 24/7, posting about him all the time on social media, reading his life stories till 3am in the morning, etc..

Why did I suddenly become this obsessed? Well I admit I always loved his music. His abusive childhood story resonates with mine. The victim mentality of him and his fans feels just like mine. I even cried reading his biography because on the one hand i empathized with him, on the other hand I was aware that I’d never become a historical legend like him.

But there was another dark motive hidden behind: I wanted to test my then girlfriend to see if she’d love me “unconditionally”, as she had claimed (well honestly I didn’t love her unconditionally either and was already planning to find a hotter one because she was just a placeholder, haha I know I was such a garbage).

At first she expressed some concern, then she complained about me not giving her as much attention as before. The last straw was probably me buying a whole MJ set of costume. She laughed and called me mentally ill. I didn’t give in and called her control so in the end we broke up.

Later in life I did similar things multiple times. In my darkest days I could go as far as not functioning except for doing minimum work and securing my foods / rent. As a result everyone distanced themselves from me, including the ones who claimed they’d accept me “as I am”.

But what is the use of all this? What is good about knowing that all human relationships have conditions and that pushing boundaries will just get me isolated? It’s a totally useless knowledge.

Most normies either

- don’t know this and live happily imitating what others do;

- Know it, take it as it is, build their own boundaries and respect those of their close ones.

I think this addiction is extremely harmful and the damage it has caused to my brain is permanent lmao.