Horrible MIL is dead can we get our relationship back on track? TLDR; DH - 53M & Me 51F

My husband (Brett 53M) and I (Josie 51F) have been separated since May 2024 due to some poor choices, actions, and reactions on both our parts.

Our History:

We have been married since 2001 - together since 1999. We have two children (Joey 24M & Wesley 26M).

99% of our issues were his mother, Marian (F70+). She actively tried to break us up from the day she met me. She was horrible towards me. Brett failed to believe me – but by the time he did, I had already mentally checked out and was giving it back as much as she was dishing out.

I said some horrible things when she was dying from breast cancer. I told her that I hoped she choked on her vomit and died a painful death. I was reacting and acting poorly because a few years earlier, my favorite aunt died of XXX triple neg breast cancer. Marian's response was "only stupid people die from breast cancer now - doctors can treat that if caught early."

So, when she got it 2 years later (same kind) I felt it was Karma. I still do. I wouldn't wish that on anyone...but her. I would do it all over again. I do not feel guilty for doing it. I feel no remorse for doing it. The only thing I feel bad about is that is hurt my husband. That is the only thing.

She would call me whore, and slut in front of my children. Wesley is ASD and repeats things he is told. Frequently.

She taught Joey to call me trash when he was 18 months old. Her nieces and nephews called me trash. Brett’s sister has a daughter, Anna (23F) and son, Jeff (22M) and they were told they couldn’t talk to me and I wasn’t their aunt. They told me that Grandma said “You are a whore and can’t be trusted not to steal good men…so Daddy and Grandpa need to stay away from you.” :(

She told anyone who would listen that she despised me (not just disliked, despised). I really hate that word – it is a whole nother level than dislike or even hate.

She put pins in food she sent home after dinner once and Brett thought I did it, because she told him I packaged it. I didn’t touch it. Only years later when he saw the same style pins on her sewing table did he ask me about it. I have completely different ones I use. I didn’t realize he had seen them at her house, as at that point I hadn’t gone there in years. One day he asked if I had some of those little silver pins and I said “No those are horrible. I’ve never had any.” He searched my sewing room and didn’t find any. I was upset he didn’t believe me...again. That he would think I would intentionally, or inadvertently get pins in food he was going to eat. I was more upset that he realized that his mother did it and it shattered him. At that point I decided I had no compassion for her.

Marian was also very vocal that I was using Brett for his money. He has a good job and we were comfortable. He wanted me to stay home (like his mother), but I had always worked, so in 2004, I went to college and got a degree. Wesley was in Kindergarten, and Joey was at a day program on the college campus, so I could see him in between classes. After graduating in 2008 I also got a good job – at the same place as Brett. I got hired under the Outstanding Scholar program which automatically gave me more money, and I started earning only slightly less than Brett who had been there since 1999. I am rather intelligent, and extremely driven, so I quickly worked my way up the ladder to Supervisor.

But, in 2013 I was severely injured at work. I almost died, and am left with a lifetime of pain. Marian again said it was too bad I didn’t die.

I was given a medical retirement with my full salary – for life.  

Marian did not realize it, but since 2012 I have made more money than Brett. All extras, trips, gifts and presents were purchased with the extra I made – including the diamond necklace and earrings that she got for Christmas and her birthday. Things she had always wanted, but Danny had never gotten her. I bought them. Me. When they were given I only asked that, in her will, they go to Joey. Danny gave them to Stef instead after Marian died. I asked Brett about it a few times and he wasn’t willing to upset Stef.

In comparison, my gifts included used underwear and clothes that were too small or too large. I am 5'1 and 125# size 4- she would buy 3x or little girls clothes. She would also get us family gifts that she would announce I wasn't allowed to use – like a year of movie passes or dinner/restaurant cards. Occasionally I would get a check written in front of me and presented like it was an honor to have it bestowed upon me. I never used the money on me and always bought the boys something.

The best gift I got was a chia pet that she bought on clearance ($2.49 tag still attached). It was Bob Ross with a chia afro. I loved it. She didn’t know I loved Bob Ross and had always wanted a chia pet. She was furious and killed it when she came over.

She would make excuses so that Brett and the boys would go and visit her on Mother's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, my birthday, and our anniversary. I didn't have my children one time for Mother's Day without having to also spend it with her.

She always used Catholic guilt on Brett to get him to comply – her parents were old, she wouldn't be around forever, he was her only son, those were her only grandchildren that lived close. I called it Stockholm Syndrome once, and he got so upset he couldn’t talk for 2 days – so now I call it Catholic Guilt – which seems ok as he is very Catholic and understands it in that context. I wasn’t raised Catholic, so I don’t understand it…and, that’s another reason Marian hated me. I said once that for a good Catholic she was not very good. That wasn’t nice to say apparently.

Regardless, it was all stupid shit he fell for – because according to him “she had never lied to him in the past and was a great mom.” Only she wasn't. A good mother would never actively try to sabotage her child’s happiness and family. And she lied to him about me incessantly. I was too loud (I’m deaf). I wouldn’t talk to her (she told me not to). I ignored her (see deaf). I was mean to her and said mean things (kind of contradicted the wouldn’t talk to her, but…). I was cheating on him (not happening). That I was turning the kids against her as they called her Marian instead of Grandma (she tried with me and they saw it…). So so so much more. She said I wasn’t family and Brett agreed because she said Family is blood. So when I tried to use that definition and said well Brett and Wesley aren’t family, Brett got very upset and she said I was trying to cause “parental estrangement” – even though she would frequently say to Wesley “He isn’t your father.”

I had very difficult pregnancies and almost died during my first delivery. The doctors told me to never get pregnant again. Joey was a surprise after 2 years on Depo Provera. She told everyone it probably wasn’t Brett’s child – both during and after his birth.

At 20 weeks, I hemorrhaged severely – and they saved the pregnancy. Marian told me it was too bad they saved him. Hours after giving birth, she told me while holding my newborn son, that it was too bad I hadn’t died.

When Joey was little she got us Ancestry DNA tests because she knew I "liked that kind of stuff”– she really just wanted to prove the parentage of the boys.

Well, a bit of backstory on that.

I was married, with 1 year old Wesley, when I met Brett. It was love at first sight. I went home and told my then husband, that I had met the man I would spend the rest of my life with. The divorce was all very amicable and we are still friends. Brett formally adopted Wesley when he was 3 and my ex and his new wife had a guardianship agreement of both boys if Brett and I ever died – to keep the boys together. Marian said she would fight it. So did my mother. They are/were horrible people.

Marian went back and forth over the years that Wesley looked just like Brett (he does). Ex is Hawaiian so Wesley is very dark skinned – Brett is of Haudenosaunee descent – so also dark skinned. I also have Haudenosaunee and Black ancestry.

Marian hinted that maybe Brett was Wesley’s father – as if Wesley was the product of an affair. He wasn’t. She would do this while denying Joey – who looks like a combination of Brett, his father Danny (M70+) and my brother, Shannon (M53).

Well, when the DNA results came in, I said “I just don’t get it, Brett isn’t the father.” I was joking about Wesley, and he knew it as he laughed. But she ripped the result out of my hand and danced a jig – saying she knew it and now he had proof.
His response was to start looking at all the things I had told him in a different light. It was that which made him realize the things I had told him of her actions – because a lot she did was secretive and he only had my word – or the boys, who were children.

I could go further on all the things she said and did, but why bother – let’s just agree that it is a bad, bad, bad history.

She died in Oct 2022 - 25 years too late.

I’m glad.

I may go spit on her grave once the weather warms up.

I thought the problem was finally gone.

It wasn't.

In May 2024, Joey skipped his college graduation because Danny refused to sit with me and Brett together. Joey wanted Brett & I to sit together for him. I wanted to sit with Brett for the graduation. When my nephew Alexander (24) graduated, Shannon and his Ex-Wife, weren’t even on the same side of the auditorium. Brett knew how that hurt Alexander, so he agreed we would all sit together and we could figure it out.  But, instead of being able to compromise for his son or grandson, Danny refused.

So, Joey cancelled his graduation so that there was no conflict.

Danny said it was my fault as I should have just sat elsewhere as he would have been arriving with Brett and they would have stayed together.

Danny had decided that Brett and I couldn’t have ridden the 3 hours together. His demands would have also meant that Brett would have had to drive an hour out of his way to get Danny, an hour back, then drive 3+ hours to the graduation, then 3+ hours back, another hour to drop Danny off, and an hour return home - 10 hours of driving instead of 6, because Danny didn’t want to drive as he’s getting old. Just a note, Danny drives back and forth from Florida 2x a year alone – 30 hours one way. As the graduation would have seen him come home a week early, we offered to have him stop at the graduation. It could be on his way home if he took a different route that would have added no time to the trip. We would have provided a hotel room for 1-2 nights if he wanted. He refused.

Also…I would have had to drive myself, even though I have a disability that limits driving.

That all made me very angry and Brett and I had words over it.

I said horrible things about his family, and his ability to be a good husband and father.

Not nice words.

Those words upset him. They were meant to.

I excel at hitting below the belt when I am upset. It is a true talent of zeroing in on exactly what would hurt the most and attacking it.

If only I could use that hyperfocus for good instead.

This was one of the contributing factors to our separation, because Brett admitted that Danny gave an ultimatum over it the possibility of having to be near me.

Danny told Brett there was a choice to make.

Danny or me.

If Brett chose to be with me, then Danny would never speak to him again.

I made the choice for him.

Or maybe for me.

We separated.

We own two properties, so it was easy for him to move back into our “little house” – the starter we got just before we married. I stayed in the “big house” the one we got when the boys were too big for a little 1 ½ story cape that Joey wouldn’t be able to stand up in his bedroom. He is over 6’. Wesley has pituitary dwarfism, so the room height wasn’t a problem for him.

Joey was living in another city attending University and Wesley chose to go live in the little house with Brett as it was comfortable – he never acclimated to the big house with his ASD. Things are fine with Wesley and I, we see each other frequently.

Anyways, a year passed and I asked Brett if he would consider working on things.

He said no. So I let it go.

I was resigned to being alone.

With my childhood history of abuse, I was always self-conscious and felt that I needed to be with someone.

After my injury I felt like a burden.

I have learned that I was more capable than I had ever imagined.

On top of becoming more confident, I have learned a lot about myself. I am kind, funny, resilient. I have made friends.

I got plants for inside the house. Marian had convinced Brett that they were a waste of time. I have the time. I like them. He actually likes them now.

After almost two years of being separated, I decided that things weren’t working for me with the status quo. I still did not know where our relationship stood – so I pushed and said that we needed to just end it. We were at the active divorce stage, and going over the settlement papers, when I had an epiphany and decided that we owed it to ourselves to give it another try.

Brett agreed.

Over the past month we have been slowly trying to rebuild our relationship.

Once a week we get together, just the two of us.

We go somewhere, do something, and have dinner out.

Our conversations are about shared likes.

We don’t discuss the past unless it is good memories.
When we decided to work on things, we agreed that in order to work on things properly, that (at the moment) there would be no deep conversations. Everything would be light, fun, exploring each other – like newly dating. That there were no expectations. I told him I would meet him where he is at – so that he didn’t feel I was pushing him to be/do what he wasn’t comfortable with. That we wouldn’t fall back on “in the past.”

Well, last night I invited him over here for dinner.

He was quiet, reserved. Uncomfortable.

I have known the man for 25+ years – I know when there is an issue. He has obvious stimms.

Finally, after me asking a dozen times what the issue was, he said that he had already decided, before we began working on things, that he was going to go visit his father in Florida.

Danny is a “snowbird” and spends Oct–May in Florida.

Normally it really irritates me to have to pull things out. Just say what you want to say. But I put aside my irritations and instead, I asked Brett what the issue was – and he said that “in the past”, I was always “difficult” when he did this (visit family).

It has caused many fights. Too many fights.

I asked him if when he gets back from Florida if he will be rude, ignore me, say mean things, treat me poorly. He looked aghast and emphatically said “NO.” So I said that well “in the past” that was exactly what happened after his visits to his family in Florida. That if he has a problem with me, then have a problem with me, but don’t have a problem because someone else tells him to have a problem.

He looked ashamed because he knew what I had just done.

I felt bad. I had thrown his “in the past” back at him.

I felt like I should have not said that – as I made a promise not to, and regardless of him breaking it, I should have kept it.

Only at the first possibility of conflict that is what he did. He fell back on old patterns.

But then, overnight, all night, I have been thinking about it.

I don’t know what to do.

My immediate response is to tell him it isn’t going to work as old patterns can’t be erased.

But then I really want to ignore it – see what happens after he returns – see if his pattern returns.

For context, we are both autistic. He is ASD and I am AuDHD. I was diagnosed in 1993 when it was still new for girls to be considered Autistic, but I was part of one of the studies examining 2E girls to see if they met the threshold for Aspergers.
I always knew Brett was also ASD, but never said anything.

He absolutely can’t make eye contact – but Mary covered it as “social anxiety.”

Brett was not diagnosed until this past year – after I blurted out that he is more autistic than me. Mary had no tolerance for “retards” (her words when talking about Wesley). So…getting diagnosed would have insinuated there was something wrong with him, and she couldn’t risk having to take responsibility for making a broken child.
Since he is steadfast, and was taught to please and believe his parents he never looked for a reason for his difficulties. Especially since she was a Special Ed teacher.  I know. I know.

He wants to see the best in people he grew up with – because otherwise it will make him have to confront his belief system. He worries about everything. Everything. To the point his worry causes more issues than actual issues.

I get it. Autistic patterns are hard to break. I really do get it, but I am trying.
I am a child of abuse – I know how to read people and can have a situational identity for every occasion. At this point, my belief system is – F*ck it and F*ck them

I am worried that he will say something to Danny about me and Danny will cut contact – and then Brett will blame me.

I am worried that if it happens, Brett won’t see that the problem is Danny and not me.

Brett won’t acknowledge that Danny making that ultimatum isn’t/wasn’t right. He seems to feel that Danny has a right to his feelings – that I was mean to Marian and Danny can be angry about it Totally fair, but don’t cut off Brett????

There is never an issue with me spending any time around Danny at this point, he never has to see me ever. I will never push it – as I have learned that Brett is unable to do what I want him to do in regards to limiting time with them. Over the years, they speak and he jumped. He is not able to actively choose to lose his father out of his life. Even though Danny is a complete asshat.

And…I decided that I love Brett too much to not be with him. We are so good together when they don’t/didn’t interfere. Really good. We never fought unless it was about them. I am willing to limit our relationship until we can figure it out.

I get it that it may be considered a character flaw that he couldn’t choose me. I think it is more of an Autism issue. He has this idealized idea of “family,” and responsibilities towards your parents. Also, Marian made him responsible for her happiness when he was a child – and Brett is unable to get out of that role. Then before she died Marian made him promise to always look after Danny – because Danny will be alone.
Marian is still guilting Brett – from beyond the grave.

Brett did admit that Mary was a problem. He had never done that before.

I’m sure IATAH for a lot of things I did – I am not denying my part in it. I think that Brett is also an AH – but I am just so angry at Marian and Danny. Now I’m worried that once he returns from Florida that the joy of the past month was just fleeting and that it will end even worse than it was.

I don’t know if he doesn’t want to go, he didn’t seem excited about it. I don’t know if he was hoping I would ask him not to. I’m not going to. He needs to make decisions on his own. I will support him, but I am no longer asking him to choose.

Anyways, I needed to get that all off my chest.

I’m not even sure what type of advice I am looking for.

Maybe commiseration, compassion, empathy, understanding, support...