a part of me wants to become an addict

I'm still too young to be drinking but i love being self destructive and drinking. i also feel like I'm doing nothing with my life at all.

I'm super lazy so I'm just on phone all day and tired all the time cause i go to sleep late on purpose. i don't take as many showers as i should and my room is nasty. my wardrobe is full of empty bottles.

whenever i go to a party, i drink until i get sick or until there's nothing left. I've gotten blackout drunk once before and most of the time I'm drinking alone at home. and i still think it's fun.

i didn't tell anyone yet because i didn't want to ruin my relationships with anyone, especially with my parents. I'd get into a lot of trouble if they knew.

but a part of me wants them to find out and confront me, maybe send me to a therapist or to a facility. i want someone to notice that I'm struggling but I'm not struggling enough to tell them myself. so i want to get worse and really get into it deep.