A piece of my mind, for my own sanity

Dear Dad (M52)

You probably either won't care what I (F24) have to say, or you're not emotionally intelligent enough to comprehend my feelings.

I think I hate you. And the worst part is, I am not even sure I completly hate you.

> You were never there. You're not here now. I dont think you ever will.

> You fucked up with me big time, you fucked up with your first wife, with my mom and with your last girlfriend. And you still seem to think that everyone else is the problem, and you don't need to change a thing about you.

> You started drinking more and more since my mom died, and I feel like I am at fault too, for not being there enough for you. But I simply can't. I simply cannot be there for you, because you were never there for me.

> You disrespect me by never listening (don't even know why I try anymore), and last time I attempted to connect with you and share some problems I had at work, you maxxed the nysic volume as a sign of "shut the fuck up already". Fuck you.

> You spat me in the face when I was 15, because I lied to you (because I was scared to tell the truth - I was smoking cigarettes)

> One time when I was 14, as I was getting dressed, I squatted down to get a belt from my drawer, and, as you walked in without knocking, you told me I was dressed like a whore (my panties, some G string, were showing. duuh, I was squatting). I will never forget this and I will never forgive you.

> You read my journal, which gave me trust issues and caused me to be an anxious-avoidant adult.

> I cannot rely on you with nothing, it happend all my childhood, but more now due to alcohol.

> I grieve too and still am a better person than you are. I wasnt able to grieve properly because of you.

> You never talked about my mom, so I felt I couldnt either. You brough your gf in, so that I could meet her, less than a year after my mom died. Fuck you.

> You constantly disappoint my grandma, who, with all the flaws she has, was more of a dad for me than you are. She is the only person in the world to care about me (family wise), and Idk what I will do when she dies. I am worried for her because she gets very upset about you.

> I hate you for putting me through this.

> If you dont give a fuck, why on earth did you let me come to this earth? Wtf?

> You treated my half brother like shit all his childhood, he went NC, and now you act surprised and start with the victim mentality discourse.

> I hate you.

> I cant wait to be able to go NC with you, although I am sure I will feel guilty (funny how things work)

> You set me up for failure and I wonder if I will be able to ever move on. I dont understand myself and I dont understand why I cant accept that you are not capable of loving me how I need and that I'll never be able to rely on you. Maybe it hurts too much to know that my mom is gone, and that although you re alive, it's like you're not there either, and my brain, to protect me, denies the facts.

> You never call to ask me how I am, just because. When you call me, it s just to ask me things or to ask for favours, because you use weaponized incompetence to avoid taking respinsibility and grow up.

> You never taught me anything. ANYTHING. Ok, that s a lie. The only thing you taught me was how to be on my own and that I can't trust anyone.

> You take, take, take and never give.

> I hate you.

> I hope my kids or my bf dont turn up like you.

> I get so angry when I see present dads with their kids, and then I get sad.

> I hate my face because I look like you.

I am hurt. And it is your fault and it is my responsibility. And for this, I hate you. You are an ignorant, arrogant, stupid, freeloader, avoidant adult. And I wish I could scream this to your face.

Love, D.