Why Do I Want to Go Back to Someone Who Hurt Me?

I was in a relationship with a narcissist for about a year and seven months. In Korea, the term “narcissist” isn’t commonly used in everyday conversation, so I didn’t even fully understand what it meant until one month ago. Looking back now, I realize that what I experienced fits that definition.

I don’t want to go into detail about what the relationship was like. I don’t want to think about it anymore. But one thing is clear — it was really not a good relationship for me.

We broke up and got back together dozens of times, and this time it’s really over. But instead of feeling relieved, all I’m left with is emptiness and guilt.

I feel like II was the one who ended the relationship, and I keep thinking that if I hadn’t said it first, I wouldn’t be in pain right now. I try to justify my decision by reminding myself of his bad sides, but since my life used to revolve around him, it’s really hard to adjust now that everything has suddenly changed.

Even though he wasn’t good for me, I find myself thinking more about his good sides rather than the reasons why I chose to leave. I know he wasn’t good for me, but I still can’t forget him and keep having foolish thoughts about wanting to get back together.

How did everyone else get through this period? It’s been a month since we broke up.