I regret being evil

I was very evil as a child to my teenage years and did very hideous stuff including attempted sa, abusing my dogs, sending inappropriate emotions to little kids, bullying and cheating. I have done way too much evil things in my life now that I cannot be redeemed, It kinda sucks I threw my life all away before I even became an adult, but whats done is done. Therapy, Physchatrists, and even Jail time just won't undo the past and I just have to live with the fact that I'm a reconer

Now you might be asking why don't you take your life, to answer that is that I'm still contemplating. I know it would overall be the most beneficial option but the thing is ill rot in hell either way, so would I just start it now or atleast wait a while before I go there. Also my family, I think my mom, dad, and siblings would be really sad and that would affect their lives and that make me sad, but I have betrayed them and the rest of my family and people I know

I try not to interact with anyone anymore and I have cut contact with everyone I know off. No one should bear the curse of being with me

I guess it just socks ill never be a normal human being again. You only live once and I have funded that up, no community will want me, and if I do get successful it would just make the people I hurt sad that I'm doing better than them, They likely want me to suffer