Conflicted

I'm a member of the LA church.

With the changes happening in LA, my faith in SCJ has only gotten weaker. At first when Jack GSN said to give him a chance to fix things, I was optimistic. But then, it started bothering me how I still feel left out in the dark, even when a recent sermon was about the sea of glass and transparency and how things will come to light. That if there's anything wrong, it will be fixed. To trust thats the heavens will fix things. I stumbled upon this reddit and have since reflected on my journey as a member of SCJ. I've been lied to, betrayed by the people I considered closest to me, gossiped about, called "bad yeast" for mourning my family members who have physically passed, etc. I've been told things by leaders that I would never tell anyone because they are hurtful and damaging. I've been rebuked by people for choosing to finish my Bachelor's and get a Master's instead of doing God's work full time. I still served by providing full time workers support and financial support. However, it was met with disrespect because they were "doing God's work" and I was "in the world." Before joining SCJ, I already had mental health problems, but I managed everything pretty well by eating well, exercising, and even regular therapy (which I discontinued after being made to feel guilty because all I need is Gid's word). Now I'm being tested for autoimmune diseases, have to be on anti-anxiety meds to even function, have many other things wrong with my body (I take more than 10 pills every night, etc.

Anyways, I don't want to mention too much because I don't want people to figure out my identity. I'm on here because I feel loss, conflicted, and tired. Part of me says "you'll be blotted out and go to hell if you leave" but another part is saying "does God hate you or is this just not really where God is?" I feel so alone and have no one to talk to about this.