Toxic mother

Hey everyone,

I'm a 33-year-old guy and I've been trying to create some distance from my 71-year-old mother. The guilt and anxiety are really heavy right now, so I need to get this off my chest.

When I was a teenager she would regularly beat me with the metal buckle of a belt until my legs were black and blue — all because of bad grades in math. She would hit me in the head and tell me "Your place is with the stupid kids." When I cried she would yell "You still dare to laugh?!" and hit me even harder.

She also controlled every part of my life. She would take my phone away for weeks at a time and read all my messages. Everything had to be exactly the way she wanted.

When I was 20 I had to beg her for permission just to go see my girlfriend. She always said "studies are more important." Even now she hates my girlfriend because she's an artist and lives freely. Mom constantly criticizes her family for being poor and the fact that she didn't go to university. A few years ago she told me my girlfriend is "not welcome in our house anymore."

Today I live in the apartment that became hers after my stepfather passed away (she lives in her own house). She uses it as a weapon. She constantly threatens to cut me out of the will and says I'll "lose everything" if I don't obey her. When the guilt trips don't work, she switches to ("Well? What do you want?") the moment I call her. If I try to talk about how I feel, she immediately gets angry and says "You want to fight?"

I've stopped calling her first for the last few days. The silence is loud, but every time I think about calling I remember the beatings, the control, the girlfriend ban, and the constant threats… and I put the phone down.

The psychological effect is exhausting. I still feel crushing guilt for not calling. I still have anxiety wondering "what if something happens to her?" I still mourn the mother I never had. My nervous system is trained to believe that if I'm not constantly available and obedient, I'm a bad son and punishment is coming.

It is my story to tell about whatbis happening