Catching feelings is such a painful unfair thing

I tried so hard to keep my boundaries up because I know that currently, I cannot be in a romantic relationship without sabotaging the entire thing. Without hurting them because im terrified. I'm so terrified of being perceived. Love is such a beautiful thing, the way I've begun to form these feelings for this person, they make me smile so much, and I questioned at first of course if it were limerance but it won't go away even as I choose to only see them as a friend. The feeling will likely settle and accept that it can't stay at this point in my life, but it's taking a while. I want our friendship to be devoid of these things because I want to treat them like a friend and not like a lover. And I want the pain that comes when they mention other people as love interests to stop distracting me from what is most important to me - keeping our friendship meaningful and stable. I know I can accept them as a friend. Of course I've never told them about my feelings because there's been no correct or appropriate time, and also because i cant even be thinking about forming a romantic relationship with anyone until i get properly treated for my avpd. As in work out the things that make me fail in relationships and even at times friendships. My avoidant tendancies, obviously. The fact i start off one way then switch up when things get too serious because my brain sees danger. How i people please, and lose myself in the process. How even when I have people I feel alone and push them away because I feel ill never truly be understood or liked for who I truly am. This pattern isnt something i can control to a point where itd be functional in a relationship, so until it is i cant date. But dear lord, when you do catch feelings, it is such a nightmare. Not because of them, or anything they did - because i know that even if the thing i wanted was right in front of me - a lovely relationship with an amazing person that I can be active and functional in - i have no chance of achieving it. Not for a long while. By then they might have found someone else. Maybe my feelings will have faded. Maybe confessing here will help ease some of the weight off my back. It's really hard when I think they may be sending me signals, but I feel insane for even thinking that because it just doesn't make sense. If they were to confess to me it would be such a painful no, but I think they'd understand. It would then be a matter of moving on from the romantic feelings. I just don't want that to kill the friendship, because it's been such an amazing friendship. I've actually started to put some stuff in motion with not isolating, and with communicating. I know if I keep trying it can get better, and maybe someday I won't feel so alone.