Has anyone ever stopped smoking weed because of being paranoid and anxious and then started smoking again if so, how do you feel now?

I really wanna smoke again. I used to smoke like 20 to 40 times a day. I’m not gonna lie. I was in the wrong mindset back then and young 19 I’m 22 now.. life is just a roller coaster. I will say it’s not really I want to smoke to escape reality. It’s more like I just want to feel alive. I wanna have fun. Literally I come home from work. Take my dogs out. I don’t even feel like cleaning sometimes because I feel so tired but then I spent an hour to myself just playing games or drawing or just being on my phone and then go to sleep and then I go to work the next day. it just feels like it repeats and I don’t have money to go out. Literally it just goes to rent, food. At the end of the day, I just wanna feel alive and just have fun a little bit. Is that abusing it?