decade of self harm

I started self harming in March of 2016, I had been a depressed child for so long and at age 11 I started cutting myself, by November that year I was hitting beans, a child hitting beans. I was in and out of psych wards and continued severely and regularly cutting myself until I believe 2022? After that I would go ages without cutting myself (like 1 year+, cut once and stay clean) anyways I was over 2 years clean in December and my mom got diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, I drank 2 bottles of wine and relapsed. I knew i was drunk and out of practice so I used a dull craft knife. I freaked out at my bf cuz he had been kinda shitty and ignoring me, he freaked out too and thought I had to go to the hospital (it was literally just cat scratches lmaooo)came and picked me up and I guess that ruined us cause a month later he left me. Sunday night I got drunk again and was texting my ex (as I do while drunk) and I sliced my shit UP💔 now have a shit ton of deep styro on my thigh for the first time in years. It’s crazy that I have been doing this shit for 10 fucking years.