My condition is weird (NSFW)

I tried to ki11 myself last month with 20 pills from setraline, it didn’t kill me but now I can’t stopped doing it again. So after 1 week i took 50 pills and I started vomiting so bad and it was a white vomit. My mom took me to the hospital i was tachycardia, hyperventilating, irritated and hypoxemia so they put me on bipap I didn’t tell anyone what is going on and i my test was completely normal. They discharged me and i stopped doing it for a while but now I’m back doing the same sh1t.

It’s not a medicine that cause add1ct1on, I just love being sick i guess? I don’t know what the problem

Anyone can help or know anything?

Sorry for bad English