It feels awful

It feels like I do not deserve to talk about pain or how bad life is because I see people who're more challenged than me handle it successfully without complaining. If they can handle something so bad so hard, so worse without dying. Am I a miserable coward, to whine about something not worth whining about.

I'm 22M, gay, living in Sri lanka. I've had a bad history of long time CSA, that I recently realised affects me even now than I ever imagined it to. I've had terrible mental health since as long as I can remember...academics was very important to me, because I felt like people only valued me for what I can do, but my mental health got so bad It affected my studies. I couldn't get into med school, which I believe I really wanted to. I had to stay back a year and redo it again cause I believed I could do it then second time was worse.

I just enrolled to a private uni, which my parents are paying for. and. I've been fucking that up too. I feel like. I'm so incapable of being independent, it's going to crash down and burn for me the moment they stop supporting me. financially or otherwise. they're not well off either, we're doing okay, but we ain't rich. I'm so incapable of facing the outside world and people...id rather not continue. it's too much pressure. people see a nice Facade or atleast they used to, they'd give predictions of how successful I would be. and I'm leading towards what feels like permanent ruin. that I cannot fix. because I can't.

I'm closeted, and I've had compulsive sexual habits cause of CSA ever since I was a child. I hookup very frequently, with random guys on Grindr. I don't even have to like them, I just do if they're close by the time when I have my compulsions. I feel like it, I feel good enough to just be a bit longer...even though it leaves me feeling a different kind of shit. like disposable garbage...

I'm sorry about the unstructured unenthusiastic rant. I feel it heavy today. idk why. if anyone reads this I wish you have a good day.