post break up related to fence sitting

im 29(f) and just got broken up with by my boyfriend of 3 years who told me very shortly into the relationship he wanted 5 kids. i was adjusting to life in a new city and told him i was still on the fence because of my childhood and chronic illness. i understood why he wanted kids, but it felt like sometimes we couldnt align on enough about it. i wish it didnt unfold like this and i cant obviously fit all the details in this post. ive done more soul searching and realized a big part of me really wants to be a mom, but hes decided he feels relieved out of the relationship and like a weights off his chest. i know he blames my indecision for his inability to see his future during the relationship and some poor decisions he made even if he wont directly say it. i miss him and feel like he was so fun to do life with. i feel like im being robbed of what i thought was the love of my life because i was still working through my trauma and couldnt clearly see what i wanted. i also feel so envious of people who are sure and dont have to consider the same things i do. im really heartbroken and i feel like i have nothing to look forward to in life now. i feel evil & like i ruined my life and his. i know i could regret posting this but i guess im just really hoping for some words of encouragment and any advice on getting some clarity for myself.