Wow what a realization

Hi, I didn’t realize how much of a lasting affect having a sibling with childhood cancer has had on me until tonight. So this is long because wow, now I know why I’m this way.

My baby sister was diagnosed with leukemia at the age of 2.5. I was almost nine and the oldest sister of three in the house. The day she was diagnosed, she and my mom were flown to Denver for treatments. My dad followed later and they spent a couple months there. Christmas came and went, my grandma took care of me and my other sister. I didn’t even realize what the big deal was. What the hell even is leukemia?

Eventually they returned home and my mom was so strong but so scared. We didn’t use chemicals anymore (she even dyed her hair with some elephant poop hair dye once??), and germs were NOT ALLOWED. Hand sanitizer, steaming the floors, walls, everything needed to be germ free. When I got sick, I was sent to my grandmas for a few days and I remember puking in the middle of the night really wanting my mom but knowing I had to be tough for my sister’s sake.

My sister eventually was cancer free and we took our make a wish trip to Orlando and stayed at give kids the world and I was in heaven, thank god for make a wish people, that was the only truly good thing that came from that tragedy. My parents end up divorcing in a very traumatic way which has only added to my people pleasing/abandonment issues. Then, my sister, the cancer survivor had her first seizure when she was eight. And twelve years later it’s still all about her. Trips to Utah for brain scans, excuses for her mean behavior due to side affects of medication or simply just being the helpless baby her entire life. I have recently distanced myself a lot from her because of the mean things she’s said to me and how she instigates fights with my kids (she’s almost 20 now) and my dad is always trying to convince me she’s better now and absolutely ripped me a new one when I blocked her “she’s your sister!! That’s cruel!!” *eye roll*.

For a long time I was proud to be the sister of a cancer survivor. Which, I am proud of little me for getting through that the best I could, but now I am realizing a lot of my pain stems from there. In therapy, I’m always wondering, why do I have this deep ache for my childhood (prior to parents divorce) when I feel like I had a good loving home for most of it? Then my mom recently made me a promise and it fell through and this wall of grief and sadness just poured over me and I can’t stop crying. I was reflecting on things tonight while I can’t sleep and decided to look up “what kinds of issues do siblings of cancer survivors have?” And Boyyyyyy, it’s like I found something that’s been hidden from me. “The glass child”. Not the super hero, the strongest, bravest kid ever! No, the child that no one saw because they didn’t HAVE to. Because I didn’t need surgeries, because there was only one fight, one life we were worried about. After years of anger at myself for being annoyed at my own feelings, never asking for help, feeling ashamed for needing help- I am finally sad and grieving and realizing, I need to build my own support system, my own community of people who see me as just another human trying to get by in this world rather than the most independent, resilient woman of my family. I do deserve everything I ever craved, I’m not asking for too much. I never was. Thanks for reading I really needed to vent it out. New stuff to work on in therapy for sure.