ROCD, RJ, ADD and just looking for a way to deal with all of it

I feel like there is a lot to unload and address but at the root of it, I want to know for those who have found solutions and treatment, what has helped?

For some back story, I grew up in an extremely toxic and dysfunctional home. My parents' relationship and divorce had a catastrophic influence on the way I view myself and my relationships, now with my fiancé.

I have been in therapy in the past but I felt like I struggle to address my issues as I already struggle to even understand and address my own feelings. I also felt like my therapist wasn't as familiar with recognizing these were RJ/ROCD symptoms and ontop of it, I recently found out I have ADD (which after recognizing the symptoms, I see it is clearly seen in my own family) which makes any effort and executive function extremely difficult to deal with and be proactive at addressing my ROCD/RJ and ADD. Throughout therapy, I noticed that the majority of the sessions were trying to go to the root of my traumas which clearly stem from my upbringing and I feel like this rumination hasn't been helpful or proactive in finding ways to cope and work towards a place where I can better manage this.

It literally feels like I am falling apart and there are periods where it just feels out of control. It’s hard to face this and accept this is who I am and there are times where I try to pretend I am fine until something triggers me and it all comes out. I struggle to express moments where I feel upset/triggered by something and I am in constant focus of my fiancé’s past relationship and constantly compare myself and our relationship to his ex and the RJ has affected our relationship. In these triggered moments, I almost shut him out but also deny that I am upset as it is hard for me to process the feelings and recognize how I am feeling. He constantly expresses the damage this has caused our relationship and every time I say I will change but I don't do anything and its difficult to reflect back and see that I don't, I think this is where the ADD is just hardcore going highwire in my brain and it is a cycle of looking at myself and being like "fuck that's right, I haven't done anything towards getting help for myself."

I feel like there's a piece missing from me and I am constantly battling myself and it really is just absolutely exhausting. I have this idea of myself in my mind: confident, mentally strong, caring and compassionate, emotionally intelligent and not letting fear and insecurity dictate my life and who I am. But this vision feels like I will never be her and it feels so defeating. I want to be her.

With all that, for those who have been here and found a treatment that worked for you, what was is? Was there a specific type of therapist and what type of therapy strategies did you do?