I wonder if I, 24F, am just the same as my situationship, 22M, for still leading on my ex, or if our motives makes us different

this is probably the nth time i have vented about my situationship but i’m curious about how it looks like from an outsider’s perspective - and before you say anything yes, i am going to therapy.

basically i have been seing this guy since october. at the beginning, very romantic until his ex comes into the scene. he swears they are platonic but that really made me feel bad at the beginning, so i started reaching out to my ex as well. around december things got better with the other guy and he told me his first “i love you”. we’ve been telling each other ever since actually.

but then again, sometimes he’s sweet to me, others he’s an asshole claiming that bullying is his love language - but still, it gets to a point you know. not to mention his whole friendship with his ex is kinda shady and i don’t think she is aware we are still hooking up - allegedly he does not wanna hurt her feelings cause he still feels affection towards her, but assured me we are sexually exclusive over and over. sometimes i think it’s an excuse, other times i think i could trust me on that since other times even if the truth hurt me, he still told me unsolicited, so idk.

i kinda get him as i am also keeping in touch with my ex who also has no clue about this guy as i fear i would lose him if he knew - he straight up told me he would break contact with me if i was seeing someone else. and we also still tell each other i love you.

do i mean it? thats the confusing part. im not sure if i mean it or not with any of them. yes, i know its toxic. if i have to be honest with myself - at the moment i have more feelings for this new guy, but i want to keep my ex in my life as i believe he is the right one for me and i have an “option” to go back to if things don’t work out. am i horrible for this? most likely.

so am i really any different from this guy, or am i simply an hypocrite? i guess both. the difference imo is that if his ex didn’t come back into his life i probably would not have reached out to mine, so it was sort of self-defense on my part one could say.

still doesn’t change the fact i am also hiding him from my ex not to lose him and hurt his feelings, and considering getting back together, so even if the intention is different at the end of the day we are the same - two-timing.

i am really torn between these two people and i don’t know whether to choose my heart or mind or neither. so i’m curious, what would you do in my place?any advice to clear up my mind? i feel like i cannot walk out yet, i very much like this guy unfortunately, but do not wanna lose my ex as well.