Encouraging update from Day 108

Hello all,

I was in this group and on their Discord a lot in my early days, and wanted to give you all an update. I quit because I was starting to develop CPOD, and woke in the night unable to breath several times, having to crawl to the shower in order to be able to breathe again.

I was extremely depressed my first day quitting, with intermittent mood swings the following weeks that slowly decreased and ranged from intense anger, depression, irritability and sometimes joy, and another profound bout of depression after I quit nicotine (46 days free now). For my first 60 days I dealt with frequent nightmares and poor quality of sleep, all of which have subsided. However, my lung issues improved immediately, and have not had a COPD attack since.

I attended a lot of online MA meetings - my opinions on the program are mixed, but I did find them easy to access and better than sitting alone in my home. Same with the discord for r/leaves - it was a much more productive way to spend my time, though I did find all the reading tiring. I also attend a local NA meeting specifically for queer people, and continue to regularly, and although I have bones to pick with the program I enjoy the companionship, and no one has pressured me to complete the steps (which I will not be completing).

Currently, I am still learning how to live life without weed, which has required I learn new coping skills for both my anxiety and poor temper, such as speaking more kindly to myself, not being so self-critical, and learning to care for myself, my home, and my body without feeling like it's a pointless punishment. My anxiety is much better, my temper we are still working on. My memory has improved in some ways but in many other regards it hasn't, but I have always had memory issues. Without smoking, it has also become more obvious I probably have transient aphasia from a serious concussion over a decade ago. I dream a lot more, and still have nightmares on occasion, but not like I used to and my quality of sleep has improved greatly. The only funny thing is that I have had stinky farts since I started quitting, and they never went away, haha. Overall I would say I am happier, but not in a TV, sunshine yellow happiness. I am no longer caught in the hamster wheel of addiction, which has made my life more peaceful on it's own, but also given me both the opportunity and the burden to build a more stable, rewarding system of emotional regulation, self care, and hobbies. I am more curious than I have been in a long time, and not to toot my own horn, forgot how articulate and artistic I can be because I never did anything with it.

It's not perfect and I still struggle sometimes, but I'm finally at a point where I'm starting to see the merits of my hard work. It's like I started a garden, and in the first few months you slog, pulling weeds and turning soil, and then you think "what is this even for?" because it just looks like a muddy mess. But now my first few sprouts are starting to pop up out of the soil, and I'm finally starting to see the point, even if I'm still tired of watering and waiting.

Best of luck to you all!