i managed to muster up the courage to tell her somehow. i just gave her a note because i couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. didnt even GIVE it i more or less flicked it at her and melted into my hands as she read it and i just hid my face because i felt so embarrassed. it was just a very basic question and an intentionally gendered one so that she felt more comfortable, i dont know. "do you want to be my girlfriend?" basically, very sloppily written because i was filled with adrenaline and it was against the side of a table.

she was nice, i guess. clarified she doesn't hate me or anything as a reassurance i guess?? said she wasn't ready for a relationship and wouldn't even say yes to a fictional perfect person. i kind of dont believe her, i just feel like even after i lowered my standards to rock bottom im still asking for too much. maybe im too ugly, too weird, too anything. i dont know. im just gonna give her some time on her own so she can relax, i dont mind being friends and i think my feelings wont get in the way at least i think.

just wish she said an outright answer, a yes or a no. just saying "im not ready" is like.. okay. i get it. even if **im** going through stuff as well and fine with it doesn't mean you must be fine as well but.. ugh. id prefer a no atp. 6 months of back and forths in my head to get a non-answer. its probably a no anyways, im just really disgusting. i kind of regret telling her but also not in a way. im not sad but i still wanna cry. im not sad but i still wanna cut again. i dont know tbh

i just wish i wasnt so disgusting tbh.

uhhhm got rejected but not?