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I found this sub last night after a hellish day trying to process what I found out.

I have been in a long-distance relationship for ~1 year with my partner of 3 years. I knew him as the most loving, caring, trustworthy, amazing person. Despite the distance, we constantly spoke on the phone (FaceTime) most days and texted every day.

I am visiting him where he lives (another country), first because it's been a few months, but also because the plan was for me to move here and move in with him. For some reason, I felt compelled to look in his computer history while he was at work. It was deleted from the day I arrived. So I checked his activity, and scrolled. And there I found it: "escorts near me".

I was in shock and confused, so I kept scrolling. I decided to narrow the search with just the word "escort". Turns out over the past year he has searched this multiple times, in the multiple countries he has been in.

I brought it up to him and he ended up admitting that with the distance, he felt lonely, and had been watching more porn than usual for a few months. He said he's been into more 'different' types of porn (which I could tell from the kind of escort he was searching for) and that he used escort sites to masturbate and for the thrill.

I am not a naive person, but I am overly understanding, so I can understand the desire to try something new. My problem is the lying and the probability of him having (most definitely) met escorts, putting ME at risk for STIs.

After more questioning, I found out he has been paying for sites where he can chat/watch/get services from SWs. He had screenshots of porn videos he had watched, with multiple tabs open. He admitted to downloading Grindr "out of curiosity", and Tinder out of boredom, but those accounts do not exist. However, I found out that he uses an alias on these sites.

I am incredibly hurt and in disbelief. I cannot come to terms that this person who I thought was perfect was living a double life and becoming obsessed with porn to the point of taking it to the next step (escort sites, and I'm sure meeting them).

He says he wants to go to therapy and thinks it is related to his mental health. I am struggling to see that as true, as it's a cliché answer after getting caught. I am so sad about the reality that my trust is completely broken (we had broken up previously and he begged to have me back, it took months for him to succeed at this as I did not want to trust him easily - however it was not porn or sex related). How can one possibly look at their partner the same again?

I have been cheated on before and the utter disgust with my own body after knowing that my partner has been fantasizing of having sex with others (or actually doing it) breaks me.

I love him so much, but I don't know that man. Being alone in this country, I have no one but him to comfort me, but I am so angry and don't want to give in to asking for his comfort when he is the reason I am so broken.

I don't know what I'm posting this for. I guess as an outlet, since I am still processing. This sub is helping me as I can see I am not the only one going through something like this.