Dear "A"

I'm just sitting here trying to figure out what the actual fuck is wrong with me. Seriously.

I look at this person, and everything inside me just turns upside down. My heart feels like it's dropping into my stomach, then suddenly skips a beat. I've never felt anything like this before. If I even imagine this person being hurt or going through something bad — I physically feel like shit. Like, nauseous, honestly. I keep catching myself thinking that even if something so awful happened that this person threw up right in front of me — it wouldn't repel me. I wouldn't feel disgusted. At all. Is that even normal??

I think about this person. Constantly. Not on purpose, the thoughts just come on their own. At some point I realized that I genuinely, sincerely want everything to be good for them. In every way. I want their career to take off, I want them to genuinely enjoy life, I want them to be lucky in love. Even if that love isn't with me. I just want them to be happy, plain and simple.

And another thing: if this person asks me not to do something — I just don't do it. No questions asked, no arguments. If I notice they don't want to do something, something in me immediately switches to: "let me handle it, don't worry about it." It just blurts out naturally.

I generally hate when people touch me. I'm not a tactile person, physical contact usually makes me uncomfortable. But this person — I want to hold their hand. Just hold it and that's it. It's so strange to me that I'm honestly blown away by it myself. 🗿

I also keep thinking about what I could give them as a gift. Something they'd genuinely appreciate. Some little thing, food, a cool item — doesn't matter. As long as it makes their eyes light up.

I'm a homebody. Parties, going out, late nights — that's not my thing at all. But if this person invites me somewhere — I'll go. Even if it's nighttime. Even if I'm sick with a fever. I'll just get up and go. Because they asked.

And you know what else? When I see them smile — I genuinely feel better, happier, warmer inside. And the thought that I might be able to make their life even a little bit happier... It just blows my mind. It makes me happy.

I realized something weird: I didn't need anything from them. The simple fact that they exist somewhere nearby, in the same universe as me — that was enough to make me feel calm and good.

Holy shit, can someone please explain what this is? Is this love? Or am I losing my mind? Because I've never been like this before, ever. I'm really hoping it's just a really strong attachment..