Money (or better: the lack thereof) triggers suicidal thoughts

Hey everyone

I'm 25, female, currently still living at home. I try to save up money as much as possible while still paying rent to my mom and covering my own expenses. But my mom is starting to get antsy. She really wants me out. I understand that. The thing is, I have crippling fear of poverty or being financially restricted. I work full-time, but it's not a lot of money I get out of it. I don't have any realistic chances that I will jump higher and make more money. I spend hours ruminating about the fact that I won't ever have the freedom to travel. I'm terrified of ending up homeless. Everything costs money. A lot of money. I used to dream of pursuing higher education, but I can't afford it. I'm not smart, anyway. I'm ugly. My self-esteem is nonexistent. I never had a relationship, and I'm scared it will stay that way. I don't have meaningful support, or anyone I can rely on. I see myself dangling from the ceiling, completely alone, in a tiny shoebox of a "home". There's nothing else when I think about the future. I don't have any goals or ambitions, or plans, because everything requires money. I lost all interest in hobbies. I barely read. I'm tired all the time. I often dream about running away. My friends are completely different from me. They have partners, safety, and they talk about having children and whatnot. One of them gets to go to university without having to worry about money because their partner is going to cover expenses in the meantime.

I find myself laying in bed, completely paralyzed, crying and worrying and feeling ashamed that I turned out to be such a loser and failure. I can't do anything, and I won't ever be anything. I'm masking every single day, all the time. I don't want anyone to see. But they're probably all aware what a disappointment I am.