I'm victim of my childhood

I'm starting to hate this idea of withstanding it all. Be strong, be tighter to get over it. You have to have survival mindset. Nobody likes victims... Victims are weak and broken. .... I don't know what other stupid thoughts I have about victimhood. All I know is that this withstanding it all. Saying I'm ok. Pretending nothing hurts. Acting like I can do it alone. Like I don't need anyone. Ends badly

Then there is the fear of intimacy, openes, being weak, being burden, not good enough, thinking it's my fault for being too sensitive, man I live in a world where weakness is sin, being strong means being alone. Being open means to be hurt... I'm victim and I need to say it so it all make sense bit more. I'm victim I survived intense periods of stress and maltreatment. And the demand to pretend "do you act like this at home too" gave me mental illnes. I never had anyone I trusted. I found pride in think I can do this alone... I can't. There is no alone in person life. We aren't meant to be scared of people, be scared of ourselves, to make a mistake, to have a need.

I'm tired of being this stuck.