Was stuck between two people and lost them both

Feeling really heartbroken and guilty. I found myself in a really complicated situation by accident, and my indecisiveness cost me everything. I hate that I was in this situation at all and I have felt so shitty and awful about it, so I’m asking to please be easy on me when it comes to early dating ethics, trust me I already feel the shame there. I just need someone to talk to.

So a little while ago, I had a first date planned with the guy. Let’s call him B. A couple days before that first date, someone from my past let’s call him C reached out and wanted to talk again. C and I had a really extreme chemistry back then but had ended things early on because of core differences. I ended up exploring both, as before this I only ever dated one person at a time even early on and I always got hurt. I thought it was okay since I communicated to both men that I wasn’t ready to jump into something serious, wanted to go slow, and we never discussed being exclusive (no sexual overlap or anything either). Lesson learned there - will never do this again.

B and C were total opposites and I was stuck between two literal extremes. B is so sweet and stable and intentional, but the chemistry just seemed to be lacking. His heart is really special though and he makes sense long term. C on the other hand had wild chemistry but we butt heads constantly. It turned into us both pulling back at different times and never really being totally in sync, but our feelings were very strong. The guilt got to be too much for me, like knowing I had feelings for both, so I ended things with B since I felt like he deserved better. Then, literally 2 days later, C ended things with me too - think I just kept pulling away at times from the stress of the whole thing and our differences, and he couldn’t deal with it anymore, which is fair.

I feel so gross about it but I’m mourning all of it. I’m glad the situation and guilt is over, but the one I really can’t shake is C. I’m just so mad at myself for sabotaging both, and I’ve been crying for about 5 days straight. Just wish I had chosen one to devote fully into, because now I’ve lost them both (which I know I probably deserved).