i feel stuck and trapped. i don't want to be like this forever.

the thing is, i live a very ideal life - very different from my life before. i'm not going to include details but it was awful. hence being diagnosed with cPTSD.

i'm a young stay at home wife and my husband loves me. i don't have to work and my time is meant to be dedicated to my hobbies and the things i want to do ; when i want something, i get it. i have virtually no worries in life.

except i DO. i feel like shinji ikari and the endless loop of memories is the stupid time loop that he's in. does that make sense? it's the easiest way for me to describe it. day in and day out, i feel like i'm shell-shocked and left reeling after a war. i don't know what my hobbies are. i don't know how to relax. i feel like a prey animal, all the time. i feel like if i say i still need help, i still need something, that something isn't quite right, no one will take me seriously. i don't know what to do - how do i ask for help? what do i say?

i have access to resources if i ask. i know i can get the help and support i need. so why can't i make myself ask? i want to get better - what's stopping me from taking that first step? am i just eternally doomed? i want to know who i am. i want to live this life i've been gifted. i want to know what my hobbies are and what i like. i just want to be.