A quick excerpt, needing a look

Hello! I'm in the very early stages of putting together a book, something I've tried before but never gotten very far with. In an attempt to avoid that pitfall, I'm ironing out characters and plot beats beforehand, including excerpts for each one.

The linked document is an excerpt for the book's POV character, Lorin Gruffoak. In this, magic is drawn from relationships with other people, and the strength of one's magic can be gauged by "matemarks" on the body that grow in size the deeper the given relationship runs. Lorin's speech is in bold, and all other dialogue is in italics - this is just to make things clear, and won't make it to a final draft.

What I'm looking for is primarily feedback on my writing style, but I'd also appreciate a micro-analysis of Lorin so that I know her character is coming across as intended. Looking forward to hearing what y'all think!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bRcU_93wEyHblH7Llq6g9r9M2Dez9Ko1flzoZxLPiP8/edit?usp=sharing