How can I be more empathetic with my partner?

(Posting from my throwaway account just bc I would like this to stay private)

TLDR; I just want some advice on how to be more understanding and compassionate to my partner during a hard time for him

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years now and we live together. Living together has proved its challenges (why are men…..like that) but the biggest one has been his job and life situation.

For context we graduated in December and the whole thing was a whirlwind because we were in a car accident where he wrecked his most prized possession: his muscle car. He was depressed about it and still kinda is but he has been able to move on from it to some degree.

We began living together in January and we have two completely different backgrounds in living and being an adult that is kinda putting us in the current situation we are now.

While in university, I lived on campus away from home. I learned how to be an adult out on my own. I struggled and had a hard time making and keeping friends, juggling classes, finances and the whole thing. There were multiple points where I would go into depressive episodes and essentially pull myself up by my bootstraps because that’s what I was taught to do. I have two black parents born in the 60s, so growing up was strict in a way. My parents were divorced and I was the youngest out of my siblings who are old as hell, so I was kinda an only child. It also didn’t help that I had a really hard time making and keeping friends (just like now as an adult. I only have one long term bestie and I cherish them so so much), I was oftentimes depressed, and whenever my mom noticed that something was wrong she just kinda gave me the “life is hard, lock tf in” speech. There were many times I cried silently and alone because if my parents heard me I’d get fussed at. So now, as an adult, my emotions are really stunted.

This is where my partner comes in.

He’s the oldest kid, has two younger sisters and grew up in a loving two parent home. He’s had a difficult time with friends here and there but still has a large amount of friends and community. His parents raised him as someone who is emotionally aware and in contact with his feelings (to some degree) but he did college while staying at home, so this is his first real experience being an adult. And ofc, he hates his job, he’s having a hard time being hired elsewhere, and we struggle with money a little here and there.

This has made him very irritable and a lot of times, like today, he will have one random occurrence happen that just makes him completely shut down for a bit.

Today’s occurrence was him pushing the wrong button for the elevator…….. he, without a word, just disappeared. I thought he went to throw something away and called out his name while holding the elevator for him. No response. I texted him and just took the elevator upstairs and saw him standing at our apartment door, unlocking it like everything was normal. I was pissed because all he needed to say was “I’m taking the stairs” and I wouldn’t have cared.

Instead it made me really angry. Because in my mind he’s pouting. It’s like he’s acting like the only person on the planet that has ever had a shitty time at a job and had difficulty getting out. And i know im wrong for feeling this way. His emotions are valid and he has no idea what to do. Being an adult is fucking hard. But I’ve just been told to pull myself up so many times that I don’t really know how to comfort him in these moments because the whining is annoying to me.

I just don’t know what to do. I love him so so much, and he’s such a wonderful one of a kind human being. It’s just really difficult trying to be empathetic when all my life I’ve just been told to stop crying and get it together.