somewhere in the middle

Is it normal to cry out of nowhere? Like I am grieving for something oblivious to me. Or maybe I know but I am just scared to admit it because it would mean it’s real. And my reality is too messy and broken already, like acknowledging it only adds up to the burden that would crumble my knees to the ground if I force carrying it all with that added weight. I am grieving for my life, all of it. I am grieving for the little me who went through all of it forced to mature and neglect her innocence because life was too cruel for her, too harsh, and too heavy. 

Did I deserve all of it? Or am I just over reacting because others had it worse but are still finding ways to be happy. I’m not depressed because I can still do my ADLs fine. I still have good sleep, the place that makes me happy because then I won’t have to feel all of these. I want to sleep all the time. I am sad when I wake up. I am not depressed but I know for a fact that I am not mentally and emotionally okay. But what the hell does that mean? Where am I exactly between the line of being depressed or not. In the middle? Then that’s crazy and uncertain.

You know that feeling when you love living but at the same time you’re fine not being here too? You love being around the people you love but also would not mind if they forget about you? Is it possible to feel two opposing feelings and desires all at once? 

I really want to have consultations because I know I am not okay but I cannot identify what exactly is wrong with me. But it’s too expensive. I made some inquiries and consultation fee costs at around 2k and I am not yet employed :((