I miss the childhood i never had but at the same time i feel like im ungrateful.

I am already a 23yo female and i feel so disgusted and sick about myself for knowing that i did absolutely nothing during my childhood or my teens years other than having problems at home, at school and growing into an introverted, shy, anxious and easily scared person that has no knowledge or prospects on anything.

Just recently my family situation started getting "better" and barely but just as i finished college (i dont even know how i did because i was literally on survival mode just trying to not fail but also not learning anything) and i realized i did nothing, i barely remember highschool classes and i feel stupid af, i didnt learn anything at college, i didnt make any connections because the only friends i made at school were pushed away by my parents who went to talk to them to tell them to not get close to me, they didnt let me go out too, and since i was not allowed to see the only friends i made, my only school memories are me not going to school because i was being bullied and had no one to turn to or talk to, so i didnt learn anything.... and my life at home was just me being judged or left out by my family, even tho i know they love me, it always felt like they didnt like me at all, always making derogatory comments about any interest i had, anything i wanted to wear, the way i looked, i expressed myself, making me feel guilty for talking or using anything at home, eating something, or anything i did or didnt do, even letting me outside trips or plans they did with my siblings.

So, in the end i just feel like i lost all my 20 years to pointless arguments at home, feeling less and only focusing on how people perceived me because i felt mocked by everyone around me. the first friend i made was at around 21 but before i could go months just talking a bit to my family and just to argue. I also know that some people at least get a phone or computer to distract themselves but my parents were very restrictive with that so i first had a computer when i was around 18/19 years old (also because of money) and before if i had a phone my mom would check it and make comments about anything i had on it or talking it at night so i could never truly have someone online to talk to or a way of watching/playing anything.

I even remember my dad breaking against a wall one of the phones i begged my grandma to buy for my 16th birthday.

To not make this longer, after living like that all my life and in several ocassions going through other things like sexual abuse, harrasment or other things, i feel like i will never be able to feel okay or normal and im stuck with just a long list of things i would have wanted to try and experience like games, going out, friends, hobbies, starting to find what i would like to do, etc.

Always when i now talk to people they share how much they enjoyed this or that in their past years, things they did, interest they had, and i cannot ever think of something to share because i was allowed nothing. And now as an adult i cannot have the same time i could have had as a kid to try to discover anything because i have to focus on getting a job and a place and enough money to be able to afford food and i kind of just want to give up because i am not happy and i feel like i will never be.