It feels like it’s too late to come out

Apologize in advance that this may be just a dump of information. I am a woman in my early 30’s, I am divorced from a man and have two children.

I have known since I was 10 that I was attracted to girls, ever since we were dared to kiss during truth or dare and it was more permission than a dare for me. All throughout my teens I was accused of being a lesbian by my peers, and it was around that time that I noticed being jealous of my friends dating boys. I always denied it but it was rooted more in the fact that I knew nobody in our area was accepting of queer people. Now that I’ve gotten older and gotten some perspective, I think maybe they were just clocking what I was too afraid at the time to admit.

Fast forward I’m 19 and I get with the guy I eventually marry and have two children with. I was very attracted to him and sex was not a problem in our relationship. He was just a bad man and he wasn’t the one. It was, however, during my marriage that I stopped being able to deny my attraction to women. After we split up I had so many crushes and talked to women and swiped on women on the apps, but nothing ever progressed. I have continued to date men because I am also attracted to them, and they were who I was able to develop connections with. Two people in my life do know that I identify as bisexual, and I’ve been told I give a very ambiguous energy.

I have been with my current boyfriend for two years, and I do love him deeply, although I have come to understand we are likely not a lifelong match. I felt everything was figure-outable until I learned how not okay he would be with me being bisexual. I always felt like I would tell him someday, and now I feel like I can’t. I also feel guilty for not saying so for so long.

I have also been battling thoughts in my head about whether I even need to since I haven’t dated a woman, loved a woman, or made love to a woman. I have seen so much on tik tok and other places on the internet about how nobody wants to be with a woman who has never been with a woman before because they don’t want to be a subject of an experiment, which is completely valid, and I would never ever want anyone to feel that way. I have also seen so much biphobia. And it’s been so discouraging. Because my boyfriend won’t accept me, and maybe neither will women. But I also feel like the desperation I feel to be out as a lover of women despite being in a loving relationship with a man is telling me that I may be a lesbian. I have never cheated on my partner, but I am having crushes that are debilitating. And I’m not a disloyal person but that’s how it makes me feel. I feel disloyal and dishonest. I don’t know what to do and idk how to keep doing this anymore.