Not enjoying motherhood everytime

writing this as i try to feel no shame of guilt.

i know motherhood is not meant to be comfortable.

my gal is 5mo and shes adorable, everyone loves her and i love her more than anything else, even myself.

i think im in this deep grief process where i see people my age choosing to do whatever they want and pursuing dreams, going to vacations... working where they desire. Being passionate about their future.

Is a tough reality to accept that you r now a mother, with all this responsability and you can't do the things that you like because your baby dont fit in these places and the baby dont stay with no one else, and thats cute. But dont you feel sufocated at times? not being able to do anything besides being a mom? take care of yourself and reading a book, working...

breastfeeding (im glad i can breastfeed it keeps her alive and well) takes so much from your energy that you dont feel like doing nothing else. I feel weak all the time. Is beautiful but theres days that she want the boob all the time and i feel like im no longer a person. im this milk lady. And motherhood is beautiful, really, it is. The most important job in the world.

i cant cook, i cant clean, she dont stay on the floor but she dont want to be on my lap, she wants to be held all the time and thats so cute but suffocating. Im not even myself anymore, idk who i am. And this grief is so intense it almost feels like a depressive episode where i regret wanting to be a mom.

today i just wished she slept so i could cry.

i feel like no one really get how i feel. feel like it will never get better. feel like i will never feel like an individual again. it hurts.