sh to validate my trauma?

does anyone else self harm not because of a compulsion or because of how you feel but just so that you have a permanent physical mark of your trauma? i often feel that because my trauma and the scars it left are all mental i needed something physical as evidence of how horrible i feel everyday. i don't even particularly enjoy or feel anything other than pain when i cut myself but now that it's healed and left visible scars i feel oddly satisfied whenever i look at them. at the same time i start to hate that i feel this way and i feel so sick and gross. anyone else relate?