i hate being a pending immigrant in college 😭

i am have been an asylum seeker for the last 10 years - currently a freshman in college. For those who dont know, asylees are immigrants who are granted a permanent stay within a new country due to facing life or safety threatening circumstances within their home country. Asylum seekers are immigrants who applied for asylum, and are still under evaluation. They are granted a work SSN, EAD, and a legal stay until interview and court to discuss your case.

Although I have lived in the United States for a decade, I am not able to file FAFSA, ineligible for all federal and most institutional aid, unable to apply to most internships, external scholarships, or programs due to having a pending status. I had to give up on my dreams being biochemistry pre med because being admitted to medical school in such circumstances is nearly impossible or impossible to afford. I am so lost and confused and I don’t know where my life is headed. I feel like everyone and everything sees my circumstances before they see me. I am extremely academically accomplished - 4.0, insane activities, research in a lab, but I am so struggling to pay for anything and the stress is getting to me. I find out in order to be considered I have to be insanely accomplished, so I see myself as worth no other worth besides my grades and I dont see myself as good enough, because for or me average means denial. And I am still taking all pre med classes despite being in a major i dont want to be in like a dumbass and i am so fearful nothing will work out 😭 i almost lost health insurance this year, my best friend almost died, I couldn’t even buy food for a month, I am so so so lost