I've been horrible and perverted, and I'm not sure why she still wants me in her life. I often wonder if I deserve to die.

This is a collection of two posts I made over this topic, combined into one post. I'm sorry if it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, these were never posted here at all.

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Part 1:

20M. This is gonna be long, I apologize. This is a follow up to my previous post talking about pretty much every bad thing I've ever done. This time I'm talking about my current best friend specifically.

I have a friend I've been incredibly close with the last couple years. I've been isolating and pretty much cut myself off from most people. Most people, except for her.

She was like, a light in the tunnel for me. For a bit there, she was one of the only reasons I woke up every morning.

But I've been thinking a lot about my life lately, and in that time, I've realized I've treated her pretty horribly.

For starters, my self-deprecation has hurt her in ways I didn't realize. I would always say that she could find better people to spend time with, that I really wasn't as special as she thought I was.

Neglecting my own needs has also hurt her, it seems. Self-hatred has led me to simply not care about myself. Anytime I have a concerning pain, she tells me to go to the doctor, and I just don't. I have a tooth rotting in my head that cracked and fell out the other day, and she got scared that I could get sepsis and told me she hates seeing me fall apart.

I've also just ghosted her a few times in the past, specifically because I was scared of hurting her even more. But she would eventually gather up our other friends to do a wellness check on me.

But this next bit is much worse, and will make you immediately lose any sympathy for me, if you had any at all.

I've been a massive pervert, without really realizing it. I won't get into why, as thats not the point of the post, but I was addicted to prn and sx-related things for pretty much my whole life after being exposed to things too early. This isn't an excuse, nor do I want it to be, but my mind is very s*x focused.

I ended up asking her pervy questions at times where it doesn't make sense. Making weird comments that sounded fine in the moment that I would immediately regret. Engaging in video calls when she's not quite dressed. (Not the only reason I'd do that, I genuinely like seeing her smile, but still.)

This next bit I'm gonna put in bars, because its a bit more... Creepy, than everything else.

!So, as I've mentioned, I've been addicted to p*rn for as long as I can remember now. I've consumed it almost daily for a long time.!<

!My friend started wanting me to stay on the phone with her overnight while she slept, said it made her more comfortable.!<

!I would end up having those urges to consume pornography, so I would just... Mute my mic and turn her down as low as I could and would try to pretend she wasn't there while I would... Relieve myself, so to speak. I didn't think too much about it for a long time. I would get the relief I needed, and she would wake up the next morning happy to hear from me. It seemed like the best idea.!<

!In retrospect, it was really creepy of me, and I'm so guilty and remorseful about it.!<

So now that you've read that, you're probably thinking: "How in the hell does she willingly associate with you?!"

If I knew, I'd tell ya. I really don't know.

I've talked to her about some of this before (except the stuff in bars, of course) and she would just tell me that I'm overthinking, that she doesn't mind that I find her s*xually attractive, that she actually expected it because of how close we've gotten.

She tells me that I'm one of the best friends she's ever had, that I've apparently done so much good for her life. I must be a dense idiot, because I feel like I've done nothing but the wrong thing at every possibility.

She says that she hates watching me destroy myself, and that I'll always be her best friend.

What tears me up even more about all this, is that I genuinely care about her. She's one of the only people I've ever met to give me such kindness with no strings attached. Just because she knew I needed it. And in return I've done all this.

I've told this story before, albeit with different words, and was accused of telling a fake story, that no woman would possibly put up with me. That we simply have too absurd of a friendship for the story to be real.

Yeah, we do have an absurd friendship. We sleep on the phone together, she reads BL comics and Wikipedia articles pertaining to her interests with me because I'm apparently the only one in her life who will humor it. But this story is completely true.

To end this post off, I suspect I have some form of OCD. I constantly ruminate over every single moment with her I can remember. I assume that every little thing I do is the worst possible thing. It makes distinguishing the actual bad stuff and things that aren't a big deal very difficult, and is probably half the reason I'm worrying in the first place. Not to mention that thoughts I don't want and the memories that I don't know are true or not.

I'm sorry if this post is all over the place. I'm spiraling at the moment. I just hate myself, and I hate how bad I am with women.

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Part 2:

20M, back again with a part two to my last post about my friend. This is moreso about things I can't prove happened exactly the way I remember. OCD and false memories play a pretty big part in this but I can guarantee that they're based on... Some shred of the truth.

Memory 1:

I'll only put a bar on one chunk of this one.

My friend had invited me out to go with her family swim. It was her, her brother, her brother's girlfriend, and her mom.

I'm not exactly sure... WHY but, I was really clingy that day. I just kept resting my head on her shoulder a lot and like, pseudo-cuddling? Idk. I asked if it was ok, and she said it was, but she never seemed like, thrilled, about it. It felt a bit one sided.

Now this next bit, is something that I only thought about months after this day occured. I'm gonna put it in bars.

!So, we ended up roughhousing in the pool, as two immature young adults... Don't do, probably, but we were.!<

!I don't remember exactly how it happened, but she ended up dragging me closer to her, and my hand pressed against her chest. I immediately said something about it and moved away, and she said that it was ok, and that she didn't even feel it.!<

!Months later, the thought came to me. Did I mean to do it? Did I try to do it again? Because its not like I WOULDN'T want to feel a boob, but would I really just... DO that without asking? The answer? I have no idea. There are like, three versions of that memory in my head and I'm not sure which one is real.!<

After I got dropped off, I just... Had to make a too-detailed compliment towards her swimsuit apparently. That I re-read and immediately went "Wait, that's weird as hell." And apologized to her.

Memory 2:

I think I'm just gonna full bar this one just in case.

!This one is gonna be short and sweet. At one point, she fell asleep on the phone while her camera was still on.!<

!As you remember from my last post, she likes to have me on the phone the whole night while she sleeps. So I left it there and tried to ignore her camera still being on.!<

!But I just... Kept looking at it randomly. Almost like I was hoping to see something I shouldn't considering she was barely clothed. I eventually just hung up because I felt like such a creep but couldn't stop looking anyway. Told her the call just simply died the next morning.!<

Memory 3:

This one isn't that bad, it's just... Necessary to note.

With OCD, comes a lot of awful intrusive thoughts. It's horrible. Of course, I have these about her quite frequently.

At one point, she was showing me how bad the water pressure was in her shower, and I was able to see her cleavage in the reflection in her showerhead. I pointed it out, so that she would, ya know, be aware and stop showing if she felt it necessary.

But of course, there was that voice in the back of my head that was like "You only said something hoping she would show you more, you should ask for more."

I had already been dealing with these thoughts for a bit. So I kinda just... Snapped and vented the thoughts to her while almost crying. Her response?

"Well, I mean, of course you'd want to see my boobs."

She wasn't angry at all. And said that if I had actually asked she would just say no and move on. I was ready to scream and pull out my hair with how much I hated myself, and she just... Didn't give a damn.

I personally couldn't comprehend how she couldn't be disgusted.

Memory 4:

Gonna bar this one too. It's not like, horrible. Just a bit odd.

!So, I don't remember when, but I ended up asking her if she wanted to shower on the phone with me. No video, just voice. This was back when I was still trying to flirt with her, and doing an awful job. She... Had agreed? But she didn't end up actually doing it? So I looked like a fool.!<

!Some time later, SHE was actually the one to ask ME this time around. I hesitated for a moment, but ultimately did it with her. She said it was "exciting", but didn't really elaborate.!<

!I for some reason ended up feeling guilty, and when I apologized she didn't even understand why, saying that she's the one who asked. Which is true.!<

!We have since done this multiple times, and I've learned that she does it to help with her Executive Dysfunction. She says having someone shower with her makes it easier to motivate herself to do it at all. Which I'm glad about, though I had originally assumed she just genuinely enjoyed doing it and that was the only reason.!<

Memory 5:

I'm gonna go ahead and bar this whole one again. It's actually kinda bad.

!So, at one point, she had turned on her camera to show me her dog undef the blanket with her, and I got, like, a full view of her panties. She didn't seem to really notice.!<

!After that, I just... Kept asking for her to turn her camera back on, not really registering how creepy it was in that moment. We both pester each other about stuff, and while that certainly doesn't excuse this, it just seemed like another friendly pestering moment to me. I was even giggling a bit.!<

!I had forgotten about this for a while, and the I learned more about sexual coercion. I immediately went "Oh, wait. Is that... What I was doing?" and was absolutely furious with myself. I began wondering if I had done this more times without even registering it as bad. And I probably have, though I can't name any specific time.!<

This, alongside Memory #1 is what caused me to ghost her originally. I genuinely believed I was a danger to her despite caring about her so much. I've wondered for so long if suicide is the best answer, if it would hurt her less in the long run than anything I've done/could do.

Every time I've talked to her about anything I obsess over, she gets annoyed. Saying "Oh, this again." As she's reassured me in the past that things are fins. So its hard for me to bring up some of these that I probably should. I just try to keep up the routine of calling her and being on the phone with her while my brain screams at me that it's only a matter of time before I do something wrong again. That it doesn't matter how much I care and want to do good by her, I've already gone too far. Whereas she continues to tell me how amazing I am, and how much she would miss me if I were gone.

I'm sorry this ended up being so long. I just kept getting hit by more things as I was writing. There were a couple things I remembered and then forgot again because my brain moves so fast. But this should give you a good enough idea of everything, as this is some of the worst I can remember involving her. I don't believe it gets worse, unless my memory is that bad.