i'm freaking out

i was prescribed with adhd around 2 months ago. i was kind of glad about this because i'd heard good things about stimulants from people with adhd and i thought i might have found something to help me. i got prescribed adderall as i started school this semester and i started off actually taking less than my prescribed dose, as i was supposed to take 10 mg 2x a day but i didn't want to take that much that often. so i'd take 10 a few times a week for schoolwork. i'd occasionally bump it up to 20 with the mental excuse that it'd help me be even more productive (really though i think i just enjoyed the rush). i've had a severe porn addiction for half my life, but i’ve been doing really well with it for the past months. until saturday night, when i was in a really bad headspace and i decided to take 20 mg and watch porn. i stayed up all night and ended up taking 100 mg by like 11 am. one of the worst decisions i’ve ever made genuinely. obviously i felt like complete shit after, and decided i was gonna take a one month break from adderall altogether and come back to try again. then the night after the next, had an even worse day and i did the same thing, this time taking 250 total throughout the night. that was technically this morning. i feel so pathetic and disgusting. my body hurts, my mind hurts, i feel horrible everywhere, and i haven’t slept in 38 hours. i can feel my teeth are literally damaged from grinding them for so long. it was really hard to do, but i was having a panick attack thinking i was gonna die, so i told my family earlier today. tossed all the adderall out. they were supportive, but i feel so ashamed and hopeless. i feel like i’m not gonna be able to engage in real intimacy now that i did that twice. my pelvic floor (?) area feels damaged and for sure my blood pressures through the roof now. plus the left side of my neck has been swollen today which i think is correlated. might be a lymph node or something. i really don’t want to die, but i’m scared that taking 350 over the course of like 3 days is gonna destroy my heart or kill me. i have always sucked at schoolwork and getting any tasks done at all. i literally can’t stay focused on something for more than like 5 seconds and always have a million tasks up in the air because i can’t stay on one. it’s an immense detriment to my life and makes me feel like i can’t do anything. like i’m an actual failure. the adderall gave me an inconsistent form of “relief” from it, but i’ve decided i’m done with stimulants for good. past couple nights were truly rock bottom for me. but i’m so scared that i’m not gonna be able to do anything without them. like i genuinely suck at getting anything done. has anyone here had this severe of a similar problem and been able to change without stimulants? it just doesn't feel possible for me, and now i probably fucked up my health permanently with this stupid drug.