Lol, rules - Internet

Damn, the first rule like that was “Turn off the phone when I come home.” Actually, that doesn’t mean that I completely cut myself off from the internet or anything like that, because I still have my laptop, but… the difference between a laptop and a phone is that the phone is always with you. I mean, I often used my phone, for example, in the bathroom or in bed, but I can’t do that with a laptop, lol. And… my laptop is in terrible condition, so it is basically attached to my desk.

My stupid apartment suffered a lot because of 3 years of living in poverty. I mean, I was constantly trying to work, but my mental state made it possible for one person to constantly interfere with me and as a result I would leave my job after about 3 weeks. I’m just glad that the documents don’t reflect the REAL number of workplaces that I changed over these 3 years - it’s just madness. I really tried to change the situation, but apparently at that time that was my maximum - to try again and again, but in the end to stop trying and eventually start acting differently. I ran away from my city to other cities twice for work, until she died… and I’m glad that she died, damn it. It’s just fucking hell - what she made me go through. And I am against such people treating me like that while saying that they love me. Yeah… now I don’t allow that to happen, absolutely. I literally react immediately if such risks appear, and their resolution for me literally means “Fight for my life,” so I can be extremely radical.

So… yes, the phone was actually the first rule. In reality now no one knows me personally - I literally have no family, no acquaintances or friends, although I have my colleagues and I love these men very much, they are so much older than me that I’m like their daughter, haha… But even though no one will call my phone - I turned it off. You have no idea how empty your life becomes if you simply exclude from it all the events that happened on the internet, and not in real life. Yes, I have a laptop, but it requires a lot of effort to use it, so…

Actually, I want to fix that. Buy a good charger for it, repair its case or buy a new laptop. Since I don’t communicate with anyone and people on the internet are much more evil than in reality - well… all I can really use the laptop for is my hobbies. For example, programming, drawing, 3D modeling, writing articles without people's comments…

Honestly, this opportunity was opened to me by the mental hospital. In the mental hospital people simply took my phone away from me and started my treatment. I was there for only 1 month - they gave me a diagnosis, I am officially a psychopath and a maniac now and they also tried to help me during that month. Actually, I thought about going back there soon to rest, but… my doctor quit, her contract with that hospital ended and… damn, I liked her, she cared about me very much, but I don’t trust the other doctors and I simply won’t let them touch me. I wonder if she took my drawings with her?.. During that month I drew a HUGE number of high-quality drawings on paper and part of them were dedicated to her, so she accepted them and hung them in her office…

So yes, the first rule originates from the mental hospital and… some other places. Just isolating yourself from contacts. The internet becomes not such a fun place when you limit your communication with people and it becomes very rare, so… yes, it’s a useful thing. And also… actually, this rule has a very positive effect on mental health. For example, I was basically an ordinary person for my doctor, colleagues and other people when I communicated with them in reality. But on the internet people behave like complete trash, God…

Probably I will erase from my biography for myself all those relationships that happened on the internet. Many of them were very significant for me, but… I think that would be right. For example, I am here after a very painful breakup with a person whom I love very much, but… in fact we never even spoke in reality. This is a very important person for me, but… yes. Probably the chance of meeting the same kind of person in reality tends to zero, but… it’s probably like with my laptop: it’s in bad condition, yes, but it can be fixed. If I move to another city and can’t find there a person who can accept me without a mask - I will move to another city. Or maybe I won’t move, but I will do other things.

Lol, actually I understand that I created a situation in which I left a programmer alone with a laptop in complete isolation. Like guess what I will do? Of course I will create fucking games, make models and draw, lol. In the mental hospital I could draw only on paper and then I turned it into therapy, but… still it was very boring - I don’t have relatives or friends to bring me, for example, books or something else. I often thought that a laptop was missing there… lol, it seems I made a mental hospital out of my own apartment. But such isolation will help me solve the problems with my apartment after those years of living in poverty and I think that as a result I will be able to leave here, if I don’t kill myself. Still my worst enemy is myself. And… yes, lol, it probably also means that if someone wants to get to know me here - that person would have to come to Russia so that we keep this relationship, hahaha… but I don’t mind, I would be glad about that, I think. Although again - in reality everything is fine with the fact that I’m a psychopath-maniac, but on the internet it’s A WHOLE FUCKING PROBLEM, oh my God… yeah, such a person would have to come to terms with the fact that people rested calmly with me outside the city in the forest more than once and that I’m still not in prison and everyone remained alive, lol. People on the internet are just fucking madness. I no longer even want to know what stupid fairy tale they live in.