I finally realized and accepted that I’m experiencing comphet.

Some time ago I made a post in this same sub explaining that even though I had identified as a lesbian for a long time, a close male friend confessed his feelings to me and I started feeling guilty, dirty, among other things.

I truly read the comments and took them to heart, accepting that I was putting too much pressure on myself, that he wasn’t respecting my boundaries, and that I should run. The only part I couldn’t apply was the last one. The feelings of being best friends got in the way, and I only allowed us to keep something going where we would “see what happens.” I tried to convince myself that I was bisexual. I tried to convince myself because everyone told me I should give it a chance, that I really liked him, that I was never a lesbian, that I was just confused and that I *had* to be bisexual.

I spent these four months wishing he were a woman.

I truly tried. I tried to see him as something more. I tried to convince myself that I liked him. I didn’t. I never did. Thinking about a future with him made me feel sad, because I had always imagined my future next to a woman in a cozy, beautiful house, laughing, hugging each other.

I don’t like men, but I felt like I was supposed to like them, to like *him*, because how could I reject the “perfect” guy for me? The guy who’s crazy about me. The guy my whole family loves. The guy everyone wanted me to be with.

It took me time. I’ve spent a long time battling with my sexuality, not really knowing what I am. I would have a few drinks and, looking for validation, I would let guys kiss me because… what else was I supposed to do? Even though I knew I would feel dirty and guilty afterwards.

But today, I finally think I can accept that it’s not normal to feel dirty and violated when I imagine a future with a guy.

I like women, and this guy who called himself my best friend just wanted the chance to “convert” a lesbian.

Never again. I’ve never felt more free.