All I wanted was you

Sometimes living alone affords me the time and space to reflect on everything. Everything we had been through. Our life together .. everything. My brain tries to move forward, and my heart lags. I wish it wasn't like this. I hurt you and you hurt me. I thought we could fix it. I thought we could work through it. Find something.

As every avenue I turned onto screamed no, I kept looking for a yes.

I miss you. I miss you so dearly. I miss us. I miss running up to you in the doorway. I miss getting you from work and hearing about your day. Even as those memories sour, I miss them anyway.

I guess I just wish that you'd continue fighting. Fighting like I had. Not the inevitable because it didn't have to be this.

I poured from an empty cup. Meanwhile what I poured into wanted a different liquid.

Sometimes I still put on my ring .. it still brings me a sense of comfort. Even though it shouldn't. Something I took off if I felt I didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve you...

I was finally starting to reach better... I was used to being the breadwinner. The mainstay. Ever there. Ever waiting.

What happened?

I don't know where I'm going with this anymore... I just ... I just wish I had you... With everything you are. Who you are .. like you asked... If we did this all over again, but somewhere different, id do it... But, I'd change so, so much about it. So much about myself. I loved you with everything. Now you're just someone who haunts my dreams. Some days I wish I could just get you out. Get you out of my head. Some days I wish what I dreamt was reality. That this is a bad coma that I'd come away from and you'd be there. But, you walked away. "In sickness and in health" but, when I got too sick, you left me. I wasn't the best. That I know. But, I tried.

I hope you do well. I hope you live well. I'm gonna stay here for a while... I'm sorry for what I wasn't capable of. My toxicity. My pain that I let radiate. I loved you. I love you. Though we may never speak, or see one another again. I just want you to know that. That I love you. And that I'm sorry.