Just venting during these post chemo/surgery days

Finished chemo in December, had BMX with expander placement in January, got PCR, still have immunotherapy till end of July, radiation starts in a couple weeks with exchange surgery later in the year.

I can’t help but just feel, sad. I know this is a delayed response and my brain finally processing everything that has happened because I literally feel like I was in fight or flight the entire time I was doing chemo so I am reminding myself this is normal, but I can’t help but to also feel guilty that I’m this upset when I should be over the moon. And I am, but I just can’t truly feel it yet.

I think a big part of it is also just so desperately wanting life to go back to “normal”. The biggest misconception after PCR from those that haven’t gone through this is “now you can go back to normal!”…you couldn’t be more wrong. I’m still recovering from surgery, I still have some restrictions, I still can’t pick up my son, I still can’t go on a 2 mile walk without the constant reminder of how out of shape I am because I gained 30lbs from chemo and lost all of my strength and endurance. I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror and I look at old pictures of myself and I don’t even know who that girl is.

I’m clearly rambling at this point but I know this is a safe space and so many of you can relate. I know one day things will be “normal” again and I just need to remain patient, but man do I miss my pre-diagnosis life.