Will I feel better at some point?

This is such a long process.

I found out at the latter half of my relationship with my ex that he cheated on me for half of the relationship. We were together for nearly three years, and I found out towards the end that he had been messaging other women, liking posts to attract their attention, etc. I also found out that these were behaviors that he did in past relationships, too.

It’s so hard. People tell you to forgive the other person, and to empathize; that they’re human and maybe they were just coping. But, my ex told me that he loved me, and repeatedly did things to hurt me. I’m just not sure how forgivable those things are. I am normally a person that can forgive and see the best in people. It’s been so difficult trying to see the good in my ex. And, I don’t know if this makes sense, but: people say that people can change.

Sometimes, I don’t want him to change for the better because it’s like if he did . . . would all of the hurt be null and void? It’s like he got to walk away clean, viewing the relationship as this wonderful experience. Meanwhile, I’m suffering from PTSD symptoms, going to therapy, and taking it day by day. It’s been almost four months since the end of the relationship. He offered a closure conversation, but I believe that contact with him wouldn’t be safe.

It’s so hard kind of missing him, knowing that he hurt me so badly (there was a lot of manipulation and lying that occurred in the relationship along with the cheating). I just wish to kinda find others that relate to it. It feels hard to try to explain to others the anger and hurt I feel . . . it almost feels like too much for anyone else to truly understand.

Thank you for reading.