I (20M) am considering suicide after years of not having any friends.

I (20M) have reached the end of my limit.

I'm a university student in Vancouver, work as a programmer part time, and am trying to start a business offering a specialized product. I'm also sitting next to a bottle of pills and a suicide note. I have not been able to make any friends for the past 2 years in this city and am not sure what to do.

For the past week or so I have been trying to research if there's any way that I could self-medicate in such a way that it will blunt my emotions in regards to needing social and emotional connection. I have tried psychedelics, weed, alcohol, cigarettes, and traditional therapy over the years, and even hookers, but lately nothing has been able to take the edge off from needing some form of emotional connection. I have never had a romantic relationship and am confused of whether it is possible or not for me to even have romantic interests in people, but I do like the idea of it. I've been on dating apps, but have never gotten a match.

I'm very extroverted when it comes to business and technology and can talk to hundreds of people easily when it comes to the idea of professional networking or selling something. Over the past 2 years I have developed a strange fear of talking about my personal life, and it has come to my attention that I do not really have any hobbies besides working on things, haven't done anything strictly for fun in a long time, and most of the conversation I have with people I do talk to in university consists of small talk. I feel like I have no personality and the few people I have liked talking to in this city or have had a fun time with are much older than me, to the point where they have kids.

From my perspective, if you make friends or have a relationship and get used to it, you're always just going to chase the feeling of needing those things and I don't want to NEED to have those things.

Lately, I've just been tired. I don't want to work anymore, I can't focus anymore, I don't want to talk anymore, I'm just tired. I look at other people in relationships and in friend groups and wonder why I can't be like that and why people don't seem like me enough to be close friends with me and I don't like that I naturally think that, I wish I could just be happy alone.