Infidelity

So I (F, 37) just found out that my husband (M, 38) was having an affair on me. We have had problems for years now, with each of us holding resentment for one another. I finally realized the error in my ways, ready to make changes to my own being for the success of our marriage. He didn’t see my efforts, for being blinded by our turbulent past. I found out that he was cheating, and I didn’t get angered about it. I was more angry about him lying about it, when he had to explain why he would come home 3-4 hours after his scheduled off time.

We’ve been discussing our marriage as a whole lately, and I have not been making his reconciliation efforts easy! I’m not ready for that. Truth is, I’m ready to be alone. If he wants to be with her, then I’ll be ok with that. Crazy, right? But I’ve never been alone in my life, ever. Born a twin, lived with hella siblings, and when I moved from them, I moved in with my boyfriend, soon to be husband shortly afterwards. I just want to be alone now.

He told that woman we were separated, which we were in fact not. We were troubled, but not separated at all! I’m not mad with the other woman. It was HIS choice at the end of the day.

But my question is, has anyone else been through this? My husband has had an affair, and through all of this, I’ve had a desire to f**k him more than I’ve ever had before. Since this situation, I’ve initiated sex twice. Idk why I’m doing this! Because of our marriage troubles, I didn’t have desire for him at all. But now I do?? I’m not understanding myself.