Escaping a cage.
I’m writing this because I genuinely need to get it out of my system. This happened a few years ago, but for some reason it keeps coming back to my mind, and I want an outside perspective so I can finally close this chapter.
I come from a conservative Indian community where arranged marriages are very normal. When all of this started, I was 20 years old. I wasn’t looking to get married, wasn’t emotionally ready, and wasn’t even part of the so‑called “rishta market.” My parents were also not actively searching.
Despite that, a family from our own society kept approaching us for their son — again and again — even after being clearly rejected multiple times.
What makes this uncomfortable is that from the very beginning, it was obvious we were not compatible:
Their family followed a very rigid, traditional joint‑family setup.
Multiple generations lived together in a small 2 BHK.
I was clear that I did not want to live with grandparents after marriage.
My lifestyle, way of dressing, way of talking, and outlook were very different from theirs.
Still, they didn’t stop.
The timeline (this part matters)
January 2022 – First approach They saw me at my grandmother’s funeral and sent a rishta shortly after. My family clearly said no.
A few days later – Second approach They came back again with the same proposal. Again, a clear no.
They then said, “We’re ready to wait for one year.” We still said no.
At this point, we assumed it was over.
September 2022 – Third approach After around 8–9 months of silence, they contacted us again saying they were still ready to wait a year. We said no again.
Early October 2022 – Fourth approach (through my uncle) They approached my uncle (my father’s elder brother) with the same rishta.
This time, the main issue discussed was my refusal to live with grandparents. My parents clearly said something along the lines of:
“Our daughter does not want that responsibility. That kind of setup doesn’t work for her.”
They backed off for a while after this.
January 2023 – Fifth and final approach (again through my uncle) Once again, they came back. This time the message was:
“She doesn’t have to look after the grandparents at all. She doesn’t need to worry about them. Just let us come and see her once.”
By this point, my mother was visibly irritated and said:
“Why do they keep coming back after we’ve said no so many times? It’s been a year since they first asked.”
After this, they finally stopped contacting us.
A few months later, we heard that their son got engaged and then married fairly quickly.
Other things that still bother me
At one point, they said: “The boy’s father has come from Saudi and wants to see her.” This felt like they were trying to use authority or pressure to override our refusal.
Even after their son got married and had a child, the boy’s mother was still asking relatives about me, saying things like: “She was studying, right?” or “I was going to take care of my in‑laws anyway.”
Years later, she has stared at me openly in the society, which feels unsettling.
Their second son is still unmarried, and from what we hear, many girls are refusing because of the joint family setup and lack of space.
Why this still confuses me
I’m not trying to sound arrogant or dramatic — I genuinely don’t understand:
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If I clearly didn’t fit their lifestyle, why were they so focused on me specifically?
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Why did they keep coming back at intervals of months instead of moving on?
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Did they believe that persistence would eventually make me agree?
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Why were compromises suddenly offered only after repeated rejections?
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Why did they finalize another girl so quickly only after the final refusal?
How I feel about it now
At the time, I brushed it off easily. I was confident, firm, and didn’t overthink it. But now, years later, I feel anger and disbelief when I look back.
It feels like:
My autonomy wasn’t respected.
My “no” wasn’t taken seriously.
There was a strange sense of entitlement over my life decisions.
I’m not obsessed with them or their lives. I just want clarity, so my mind can stop replaying this.
I’d really appreciate honest, grounded perspectives:
What do you think was driving their behavior?
Is this kind of persistence common in conservative arranged‑marriage setups?
Was this about ego, control, status, lack of options — or something else?
Thanks for reading. I genuinely needed to let this out.
TLDR: An Indian joint-family tried five times to marry their son to me despite obvious lifestyle mismatches and repeated rejections. Each time, they changed the story to gain access — not because they respected me, but because they felt entitled to control my life. Years later, I realise they weren’t persistent — they were predatory. I didn’t escape a bad rishta. I escaped a cage.
Posted Mar 5, 2026, 11:38 AM UTC