i hate that i still think about you.

T, i really did love you. you always listened when i had to vent, you always held me when i needed to cry. you always went through the effort of coming out to see me...i'm sorry i only went to see you once. but you were so understanding about my anxiety, you didn't even mind. you were sweet, a gentleman. i was a mess. i was always saying sorry, feeling the guilt of making you deal with my problems. but you always told me it was okay.

you told me, please be my forever person. i was stupid enough to hold you to that. maybe a small part of me knew you wouldn't love me forever, but my vision was fogged with love and i didn't want to think about it. one month later, you broke my heart. and i broke yours. my head was everywhere, i convinced myself that i hate you. i told myself that you were the worst person i've ever met, that i wished i never met you. but i know you're just broken. i am too. you've been through a lot. i've been through a lot. i would hold your hand while you talked about aspects of your life that were difficult. i gave you space to talk, i was quiet. did it help ? was it enough for you ?

it sickens me that i still think about you. it's been more than a year since we'd broken up. it's been three months since we last talked. you told me to just keep you blocked, it felt like a blow to the heart. i stupidly sent you an angry paragraph, i attacked you, i regret it. i was so angry in that moment, i couldn't think clearly. i often hope that you didn't truly see the final message. i hope that blocking you gave you peace. i deactivated, because i wanted peace.

i don't know if you're still in a relationship with your new person.

and i don't want to know.

your conflicted ex boyfriend stranger

R