Poem

Just wanted to share a Christian poem that encouraged me:

Am I the only one afraid that when my time has come and I arrive at the gate 

I will jump for joy as Jesus will stand perplexed and confused

“Who are you?” he will ask 

“You don’t know me? I know you,” I reply

What if I’m not let in 

As Jesus tells me to depart from him

My emotions would call out why

I replay a montage of all my wrong as I start to cry 

“You must have known a version of me made up in your head,” he says

Is this what I’ve done?

Made up the very one who has gotten me out of bed

When I read the Bible

Do I do it to learn more about me or him?

Explaining my problems is for nothing when there is no changing

When I worship 

Do I do it to feel chills or to praise?

For if chills is what I seek 

I could find them at a rave 

When I pray

Do I do it to feel heard or to listen?

Sometimes I feel like a fraud

Have I made an infinite creator something I can fit in my pocket?

Has my wrestling with doubt been too much about the origin of God 

and not enough about my own salvation?

Isn’t it ironic I question God’s existence but never the devil and his presence?

God I do not know how to love you without feeling guilty 

For me is heaven just an escape from hell?

All the shame leads me to attempt to take the nails from your hands 

And sink them into my skin

Feel the shame I rightly earn

Making a savior out of myself again

Drowning in all of my sin 

God you are no longer on a cross 

So why do I go there?

Remind me that David ended the life of an innocent man and committed adultery

Yet you called him a man after your own heart

So why from you do I run so far?

Then I hear a whisper

“My beloved this anxiety is not from me”

I did not even ask who it was

For I remember the scriptures 

“My sheep know my voice”

And I felt fall into peace again after hearing his whisper

How selfish of me to think I’m above your promises and your grace

You say that I am fearfully and wonderfully made

A child you have sought to save

Of course you will recognize this face