So my marriage just ended. I believe it was for the best for us, but I feel horrible for our kids

Very briefly: Together for two decades, in our 40s, two young kids (kindergarten and primary school).

We've been emotionally unavailable and incompatible for a very long time, and have been drifting very far apart for at least a 1-3 years.

She had an emotional affair (one-sided) with a co-worker last year, I found out about it around christmas.

Couples counceling for two months, but in the end I firmly believe we both knew this was not working, but she is very good at keeping up the facade, including to herself. So in the end she noticed something was wrong between us, and I had to become the bad guy and said the words.

She is understandibly extremely upset, pimarily grieving because of what this means for our kids (50/50 split, separate homes, but we'll stay in the area), sad for the loss of what we have had, and just completely taken by surprise and angry that she feels I gave up too fast.

All of her points are absolutely valid. I feel terrible about what we are about to put our kids through, but I honestly believe that we had become such emotional drains on eachother that we were not robbing the kids of what should be much more engaged parents. Whenever we don't have any plans, we place every family member in front of a screen and just sit there.

I really, really hope that once the new situation stabilises that we will be able to make our kids much more of an emotional priority, and put them before any and all issues we will inevitably have between us.

I really enjoy our time when we're doing stuff with our kids, and we never fight or are mean to eachother. We can generally converse comfortably about daily life. But my feelings are not there, and although I don't think she will admit this to me or maybe even herself, I'm pretty sure hers are not either.

I have not been a great husband and partner. I am emotionally hard to reach, and completely unable to meet and see her emotionally where she needs me to be. I'm quiet unless really prodded, it takes a lot of nagging for me to do things (especially anything that's not part of daily routine, like fixing something, painting, contacting someone, remembering to do some task, etc). I can be really self-centred and not see or recognise the needs or wants of anyone else around me before it's too late, or it's pointed out to me.

We both get easily offended by eachother because of our incompatibilities and different communication styles, so we have learned so many mechanisms for avoiding topics and conversations that we think might trigger eachother. The result is that we're mostly either quiet, or just discuss family logistics and practicalities.

I was not planning to end this in this way, or so abruptly and so soon into our process, but at some point during the last week it just all hit me pretty much at once.

I care about her a lot. She's an amazing mother, she's capable of almost anything, and she's probably the strongest person I know. I want her to have a lifetime of happiness, and I don't think she will ever truly find it with me.

We have a shit period in front of us, and I will have to accept that I will come off as the bad guy (and I am, in a lot of different ways).