hanging

I've been wanting to hang myself for many many years, I've never gone through with it fully since I'm always scared of fucking up and not successfully dying. don't want to deal with my family, they'll have to deal with paying for a paralysed/braindead invalid if I screw up. they only care about whether I am a burden to them or not (waste of money, waste of time, etc. from an asian family so they can't just willy nilly disown me since it'll seem strange to other people but they might as well sometimes)

I spend at least once a day crying over my own thoughts, even if no one told me anything. idk. I can't fit in this world, I'm too toxic to have any friends, I'm too anxious to try or do anything, I've failed in so many things so many times whenever I tried that I don't want to anymore. I'm so sick of feeling anything.

I've seen therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, school counsellors, community mental health programs, government mental health programs. spent 1-2 hours traveling to random clinics and locations taking sick leaves from work and appointments being months part. psychiatrists telling me it's my fault, everyone telling me it's my fault, oh you don't try hard enough so it's your fault. dying is for cowards (doctor told me that when I opened up HAHAHAHHA). recently I went to see a doctor and he laughed at me when I opened up about my insecurities being overweight HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHNNNN HAHAHAHA!!!! HAHAH!!!! I WANT TO FUCKING DIE OFF