Everything is just wrong

Im a new dad to a 1 year old, before having this beautiful boy with my fiancee, I had major issues with my relationship with her including issues about myself. After being asked for a kid and saying that we aren't ready not mentally but I don't think we're a true team yet. I gave in and I remember the quote I used to this day "ok, we'll throw the dice", I can't forget those words as the first time we tried she was pregnant and now here we are.

Im in a broken relationship, one where i feel unheard, broken down, nothing but a small insect that screams not understanding why It does, im so angry and defensive, so overwhelmed, I keep crying over everything said about me cause im so fucking sensitive, I put my walls up so high hurting everyone I know because im so fucking scared, im scared of being alone in my jokes, my thoughts, my problems. Im constantly ignored by everyone or atleast I feel like it. My opinions and advice is always scrubbed out and I aint expecting that my words be holy or right but when my words are repeated from another's mouth and praised I cannot think otherwise. I love everyone so much yet im left with nothing.

I dont know who I am anymore, where i belong, I have so many bad habits now, my moods switch like a faulty light bulb, im an awful person and no matter how many journals, yoga, breathing techniques I do, I always hurt people no matter how much I try to love instead, I love everyone so much but why do I feel like im so under fire, an avalanche of bullets.

Ive always had fear of death but over these past few months my minds changed and im scared, I catch myself repeating "i wanna die" over and over. Im scared and i need help

The only things I feel are good to know is that im on the spectrum and possibly adhd but that ones undiagnosed