AITA : Are these friendship behaviors normal? (My boyfriend and his roommate)

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Hi everyone, I’d like to get your opinion on some situations I find unsettling in my boyfriend’s friendship with his roommate. To be clear: my boyfriend is very attentive, loyal, and really cares about my feelings. He lives with his best friend, and they’re close, which I accept. I’m not trying to attack anyone (even if I admit I struggle to be 100% objective), I just want to know if these situations seem normal to you. And whether the friendship itself seems okay, now that neither of them is single.

Here are the concrete situations:

“Forced” hugs: During my first visit to their place (the second time I saw her), she said to him, “Now that your girlfriend is here, you won’t hug me anymore?” and he felt pressured to do it. She clearly noticed he wasn’t hugging her, but it was just because he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable since it was my first time at their place. For him, it wasn’t normal, and he confirmed that they don’t hug that often when I’m not there. I’ve witnessed it five times, and all five times she gave him multiple hugs.

The cocktail at the restaurant: At my boyfriend’s birthday, during my first meeting with her, as soon as he got his cocktail on the table, she asked if she could taste it. It felt intrusive and out of place for that moment: I had JUST met her and the rest of his friends, and it was my first time at a restaurant with him.

House rules and spontaneity: She set fairly strict rules for organizing cooking and meals. For example, if my boyfriend wants to do something spontaneously or leave at the last minute, he has to plan ahead so as not to disrupt her organization. (For me, a reasonable middle ground would be that it’s okay occasionally, and he at least sends a message to warn… But for her, it has to be planned because she might plan to cook something in particular, and cooking for two people could be tricky if she doesn’t know the details.) My boyfriend explained that these rules have been adjusted since I came into the picture, so indirectly because of me.

Fear of being alone: She mentioned in a “house meeting” that she’s afraid of being alone in the apartment if my boyfriend stays out too late. This limits his spontaneity, even with me, because she wants everything organized to feel safe. I feel like I can’t fully enjoy the start of our relationship with spontaneity and lightness.

Her behavior with friends: My boyfriend told me that she’s often had issues with male friends “because their girlfriends tend not to like her.” He confirmed (and she apparently admitted it at the time—she claims she’s working on it) that she “overplays” her relationship with male friends “because she’s intense,” especially in front of their girlfriends. Sometimes, when she brings a new guy to the apartment, she overplays her relationship with my boyfriend to “test” the guys she brings. But “she’s working on it.” Now I feel like I’m unintentionally part of this pattern.

Meeting my boyfriend’s brother: When I met his brother, she stepped in a few minutes later to “steal the spotlight” while I was talking with him. She put herself at the center of attention, looking at his brother as if to say, “so, you’re not giving me attention?” and she completely took over the conversation, even though I was just starting to get to know him.

My personal take: I feel like their friendship gives off a “quasi-couple” vibe. Even though they’re both sensitive, I think it’s also due to circumstances: they live together, spend a lot of time side by side, have shared habits… basically, the life they’ve shared created this dynamic. Now that I’m part of the relationship, I think this dynamic should naturally adjust, and I should take priority on certain things (not everything, of course), even if it slightly upsets her. I don’t think I should have to fully adapt while keeping the peace, as this is MY relationship; everyone should adjust, but I feel I’ve already done my part.

For him: He just considers them very close friends; he sees this “intensity” as a normal friendship, not a quasi-couple dynamic—even though he admits that the way they act can resemble it.

My question: Do you think this type of friendship and these behaviors are normal? Would it bother you if you were in the relationship, or do you think it’s acceptable as long as my boyfriend is loyal and attentive?

I feel like maybe I’m overreacting, even though he admitted she sometimes goes too far. What bothers me too is that explaining all this to him clearly hurt him, and he admitted he struggles to acknowledge her behaviors because he refuses to think she could act in ways that indirectly harm us/me. My boyfriend said he would be more mindful of her behaviors and might try to talk to her, but that it’s very difficult (which I completely understand). He also said previously that he “wouldn’t change the way he acts with her.” I don’t want him to change who he is with her, but is it still not normal for the friendship to adjust with my arrival? I don’t want him to “make space” for me; I want him to give me a normal and emotionally prioritized place, adjusting the rest accordingly, rather than me having to accept everything. Am I overreacting?

Thanks for your thoughts!