Realizing My Entrepreneurship Struggle Might Not Just Be ADHD

I’m 49. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar for years. I’ve also been on and off disability (currently on) for over a decade because I've never been able to hold a full-time job. My record is one year. Just one. After that, the burnout is so physical I can’t function.

So, I thought, maybe if I work for myself that will be easier...

And so, I've been trying to 'make money online' for a couple years. I haven't made my first dollar yet, lol.

I thought my ADHD was the problem. Hyperfocusing on stuff, then being unable to execute, being hella afraid to post content. Starting and stopping multiple things, over and over. Falling down rabbit holes, noticing it is both a breadth and depth issue. My IG, TikTok, Facebook, and YT all look the same – just all over the place with giant gaps because I haven't been able to be consistent.

So, I tried different ADHD strategies. I mapped my intention-action gap, entirely for ADHD, and came up with interventions at the different steps I saw. Made a discipline engine that helps me stay consistent for at least 30 days at a time, if I use it. Nothing worked. Well, the discipline engine works every time I use it but I still haven't gotten past 30 days... And what made things worse, is that I would impulsively buy all the different 'make money online' products out there and, of course, never used them.

Talk about shame and feeling behind..

I was ready to give up and try working again, knowing I wouldn't be able to stick to it based on past experiences, but it has to be better than just struggling, right? Or, feeling like I suck at life?

But then I started seeing creators on IG talking about the specific overlap of AuDHD and I saw myself (similar to seeing myself in the ADHD in earlier years).

And it explains so many different things, like how I hate it when anyone, even my kids touch my skin (skin to skin) and how I have to be covered for it to feel okay, or how I taught myself as a young adult to look people in the eyes when people would complain about it. How I was able to work out most days for several months based on a specific sequence, but the moment the sequence was gone, I could no longer do it (and why did I get rid of the sequence... that's a story). Why I can create products to sell and never sell them or why I can imagine myself succeeding, I can see myself making the content I need to make, but too afraid to actually do it. It explained why I was having a meltdown every morning when getting my neurodivergent 8 yr old daughter ready for school and would just veg out watching anime until it was time to pick her up from school.

And I cried.

Over being misunderstood by my family who see me as rude and lazy. Over possibly being misdiagnosed with depression and bipolar and going through over a decade of depression or shutdown (?) because the meds and therapy never worked. Over feeling like an alien and never belonging anywhere. Over what I possibly could have been if I had the right support and services sooner. Over feeling like a bad mother and that I was ruining my kids and fearing they might think I don't love them because I pull away from their embrace.

Now, I seek an AuDHD assessment. And that will be a journey because I struggle to make appointments, lol, and who knows if my insurance will cover it.

But, in the meantime, I will just move forward as if I am AuDHD so I can figure out my freaking life.